First of all an apology to all those who follow my blog
because I haven’t blogged for a while, there is no real reason to this but that
I am now on another journey through recovery and my blog has evolved, and
although my breast cancer is always in the back of my mind it is no longer
ruling and controlling my life as it once did.
“Moving into the next
phase of your life is a lot like crossing monkey bars. You have to let-go at some point in order to
move forward.”
I keep putting off having prosthetic “Phil” being fitted but
it has been ordered in and will have it by the end of next week so breast
cancer in a way is still a headline for the New Year. I am looking out for sales on new bras now
that my only two white ones which I used with “sponge bob” are getting a bit
boring! I made a mistake of throwing out
my old bras but could have fitted a pocket into – hindsight is a good thing.
My next Consultant visit is in February and what has
surprised me is that I have not had another scan since treatment has stopped –
I had somehow expected to have one and I must ask my consultant why this isn't so because it would so much put my mind
at rest if I did. I suppose that it is
all good news that I don’t? One year of
taking the pills – four more to go!
I still get very tired at times so I know that I haven’t
fully recovered but my energy levels and resolve is so much better, amazingly
so and I have carved out a different life for myself after cancer that is more
fulfilling, fun, hopeful and more importantly calm! I’m not saying life isn't chaotic, full of ups, downs and confusion and disappointments but serenity of
mind and happiness are concepts that are more real and have more meaning to me
than ever before and being grateful for what I do have rather than what I haven’t
a better way to finding happiness.
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of
living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.” – Denis Waitley
I hope that you all had a good Christmastide and more
importantly - if ill the hope of brighter things to come and those who are
grieving (and I know quite a few people who are right now) moments of happiness
and good memories, understanding and the support that you need.
I wrote a poem about last Christmas (at bottom of this blog)
but I can certainly say that my Christmas was so different than last
year’s! The build-up, the warmth and the
love around me so tangible and which was so missing last year has made up for
it. As I adore everything about
Christmas I was so relieved as well! The
only person I had to try and infuse the Christmas spirit into was my 14 year
old who also remembered last Christmas so well and it tinged this one with its
memories. He has anger in him that has
not been fully resolved but I think with his granddad around and quality time
with me did in the end give him what he needed to enjoy Christmas again. Laughter and love there is nothing like it.
“Sit with someone
special in a room lit only by Christmas tree lights and remember that our
blessings outnumber the lights”. - Author Unknown
What will this New Year bring? I am making one resolution only and that is
“to take better care of me so I can take better care of others”. This encompasses so many things, trying to
give up smoking (again!), diet, exercise, meditation, fulfillment in giving
back, following my dreams, growing spiritually and challenging myself and the
way I react to a changing circumstances and a moody angst but tremendous teenager! Having the one
resolution means also I can take my time and not set myself up for failure at
the outset which is what often happens with mine and many others’ resolutions!
January brings birthdays for both me and my son – last year
I had a major hypo and also fell down and broke my ankle the day after my
birthday so will be extra careful this year! This year I will be starting my training to
become a hospital visitor with the Chaplaincy – a ten week Saturday morning
course, have a major meeting for a community project, and resumption of poetry
groups and performance – so it’s a busy month ahead.
Later in the year I hope to obtain two second hand bikes and
start cycling again – me and my son – and meeting up with some of the cycling
community, start swimming as have the right “boob” to do it, improve my living
environment, write a book (yes a book!) and an outlet for all my emotions
either through blogging, poetry, meditation, laughter (still thinking of doing a laughter workshop)
– I am also being encouraged in thinking of setting up a single parents group
again which was put on the back-burner when diagnosed with cancer or a maybe a breast
cancer support group in my area of which there is nothing and more quality time
with my son (which I think will be the hardest thing to do as neither he or I
know what that means now he is at the age he is at). I will become a great aunt for the first time
(that does sound old!), go to Italy to see Daniel’s dad’s side of the family
which he needs to badly do (and the Italian family have offered to pay for our
flights) and finally I hope to find a partner by a consequence of improving
confidence in myself and all of the above – I am not the only one around me
that wants this one so I think we will be joining forces on this quest!
So many plans, dreams, hopes, action and
achievements – and who knows where I will be this time next year (hopefully not
with a cold and cough as now) but with all its opportunities and not knowing
what is round the corner it’s exciting to think about!
The main thing though is that I am happy simply being who I
am, stronger, calmer and more hopeful and in some ways it’s having cancer that
has lead me here.
What are the things I
learned about myself during this year through change and circumstances and
which wisdom will bring into this year?
“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you
react to it”.
It’s the way you react to life that
matters, your attitude to the disappointments, the negative things that happen.
Even if life may knock you down, by
being grateful you find reasons, if even small ones, to get up and start again.
Don’t react in anger – step away from the situation and consider your reaction
or you could be in danger of doing something permanently foolish just because
you are temporarily upset.
Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is
preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” Nothing lasts for ever even the bad times, and
that you can grow and learn through them too for a realization of something
better even if you keep making the same mistakes eventually you realize that
they are.
“Be happy. Be
yourself. If others don’t like it, then
let them be. Happiness is a choice. Life isn't about pleasing everybody.”
If you can cut out the negative people out of your life who don’t appreciate
you, encourage you or make you happy or at least keep them at a distance.
“When someone tells you, “ You've changed,” it might simply
be because you've stopped living your life their way.” Don’t let
people tell you how you should be living, what you are doing wrong and that you
are a bad person because you have your own opinions and believe in a different
way of living or bringing up your children – listen to and take advice by all
means but make sure it’s because it suits you - however listening to and
believing in negative criticism is another thing altogether. Whoever you are
you are person of value and you need to believe in yourself, and make your own choices
rather than believe in what others tell you – only you know what is right for
you.
“If you expect the world to be fair with you because you
are fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting the lion not to eat
you because you didn't eat him.” Life isn't fair but that doesn't mean that you should not be fair to yourself or to others
and become bitter because of the unfairness of life.
“If you tell the truth, it becomes a
part of your past. If you lie, it
becomes a part of your future.” Another’s
person truth may not be your own version but if they lie then they have to live
with the consequences of that lie, the loss of trust and the regrets that comes
with it.
“Life becomes easier once you learn to accept an apology
you never got” – this is a quote I only found today. It is
better to move on then dwell on the past – easier said than done but if you know
you are never going to get an apology let it go it’s not worth waiting for one
and getting angry. People these days
would rather justify to themselves that they have done nothing wrong and find
excuses not to apologize so it turns out to be a war of words that just causes
more hurt and anger. To go with this is
that you should never have to apologize or back down for anything you feel you
have not done wrong nor have responsibility for just to make life easier. This is a tricky one but mutual understanding
is the only way to resolve this and it may be that on both sides things have been
said or done that haven’t been right and it is about trying to find a neutral
and middle ground. Good communication is the key but you can’t do anything if the
communication is full of condemnation and hurtful.
“It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, who
accept you for who you are and would do anything to make you smile and love you
no matter what that means the most. “ I am so grateful for the family,
friends and colleagues around me who do exactly this and this is a huge thank
you to them.
“It’s a miracle to have single friend who will stand by
your side when others are against you.”
The best thing you can do for yourself, for others and a
poke in the eye for those who put you down is to be as happy as you can - and my
definition of happiness: pleasure,
engagement, and meaning involving both daily positive emotions and a global
sense that life is worthwhile. Grateful for what you have in life - if you have enough
food to eat, shelter over your head, friendship and love there is richness in your soul.
I wish you all a happy and hopeful New Year.
Last Christmas
I tried, I really
did try to find that spark that special Christmas feeling to ignite
And pretended for
the sake of others, painting on a smile
Making the best of
it as I could for a while
But not managing to
fool anyone
I woke up early put
on the fire, blearily eyed as usual
Opened up the
stockings presents those silly gifts of affection
Even then I couldn’t
pretend to give it my attention
I gave my son a robot to build hoping it would
absorb him
And it did as I
slept and hid myself away
On that last
Christmas day
I awoke at each
telephone call wishing me happy Christmas
With platitudes that
I was happy, an emotion I couldn’t evoke
I pulled a cracker
and even cracked a joke
Dressed for lunch
with such a silly hat
All conversation
went over my head I couldn’t comprehend
Couldn’t bear that
Christmas fare eating was chore
Tasting like the
ripped up wrapping paper strewn across the floor
My eyes drooped in
fatigue
Again I slept and
hid myself away
On that last
Christmas day
I arose to watch Dr
Who wrapped in a blanket on the sofa
I began to doze
again, kept nodding off and waking
In chemo sickness
there is no point in faking
My son morosely
remarked that this Christmas was different
And I felt a kindred
spirit with those on Christmas day
Who are alone, old,
distressed, grieved, depressed in any way
With hidden dreams
of what Christmas should be
Yet in of this I was
still thankful still grateful
As I slept and hid
myself away
On that Last
Christmas Day
