Each time I blog I say the same thing, sorry for not
blogging for a while! It must get boring
…. This time it’s because I have been steering through different kinds of waters
- ones that are full of sharks! It is
called the world of on-line dating, although it seems more at the moment the
world of on-line texting instead! I have
no spare cash to spend on good on-line dating sites (and who say they work
anyway) so I joined, don’t laugh, Plenty of Fish and a site called Flirtbox. And gosh it is so easy to get carried away
and so addictive to message and get messages back. I feel sometimes that it is a dangerous game to
play this on-line dating as it takes my focus away from the day to day things
going on, and because I am of a poetic turn of mind can be seduced, and seduce,
by words. It is a little frightening, if
not empowering, and it has prompted me to write a series of work-in-progress
poems called “The seduction of the mind”.
“The next time you try to seduce anyone, don't do it
with talk, with words. Women know more about words than men ever will. And they
know how little they can ever possibly mean.” ― William Faulkner
It has taken me over three long years to actually think that
I could embark on a relationship again; perhaps it is because it’s been a long
hot summer; perhaps because I have a last managed to put the past behind me, or
is that I am just feeling a lot more happier, more confident and healthier now
over a year and half out of cancer treatment (still taking the tablets though).
Mainly though I am fed up going it alone
and want a relationship, a friendship and perhaps eventually a partner. I am even now considering having a
reconstruction, which a few months ago I would have been adamant I wouldn't do.
“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes
life is too good to be alone.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
I met a very kind lady in my local pub who had gone through
something like me (but strangely without the chemo), and she gave me a gift her
mastectomy bras! Lots of different
shades, shapes and styles – and they fitted!
She has good taste as well – so having a good set of lingerie again has
immensely cheered me up – mastectomy bras can be so expensive so having ten of
them is a godsend! She even gave me some
of her swimwear as well (not been worn) – so when off on hols soon I can swim
again with more confidence as well ….. More importantly she talked through the
reconstruction operation with me and I can’t lie thinking of having a twelve
hour operation and three months of work is a little daunting although on the
upside I will probably have a tummy tuck too!
In the Area I live it can take up to two years to have the op so will
also be a nice 50th birthday present. I am seeing my Consultant next in October, so
this will be a major topic of conversation.
It could be at considering the reconstruction has been part of my desire
for a relationship, but have been told that having one boob is not an issue,
but the issue may be my own confidence in my own self-image and it remains to
be seen.
“The reflection that we see every day has nothing to
do with how others see us.” ― Rasmenia Massoud
Anyway since being on these two sites I have been approached
by two married men who have wanted to meet me (the ones I have known about) which
is not what I am after all and frankly is not worth the bother or the hurt it
can cause; a cross-dresser; a man with a foot fetish who wanted to know what
colour I painted my toe nails (!) and several young men as well – which is very
disconcerting! There have been others who
I just generally chit chat about daily things who are just too far away for a
relationship and then there is this other man – ah yes this other man.
“Was that semi-colon some kind of flirty wink or just
bad punctuation?” ― Azadeh Aalai
We all have our criteria for people we want to meet and although
looks are fairly important, although would want someone a bit taller than me,
and no facial hair, really I look for someone full of personality and character,
intelligence and of course the ability to make me laugh and I them (someone one on their own spiritual journey) – a lethal
cocktail. However, you can’t tell anything
until you meet someone whether there is that final ingredient – chemistry. Without
meeting and just texting or emailing it’s easy to weave a fantasy around a
person that might not be healthy and even then you also have no idea about
honesty, integrity and trust and have to trust gut instinct – shark infested
waters indeed! I have been offered a couple of dates, but I
like this guy I am chatting to but I know he is keeping me at arm’s length and sense
his unwillingness to actually meet me at all – perhaps he has weaved a fantasy
around me to too? What I do know is when
I am chatting with him on my laptop – my son says “shut up mum, stop looking so happy”! This is the boy who encouraged
me to do this in the first place! The scary thing is that this person already
has the power to lift me with a smile and bring me low – and that is not a good
thing as in truthfulness there is no relationship just a connection made. If I
am never going to meet this person I have to ask is it holding me back from
actually meeting someone I could have a relationship with?
“You know when you send a text message to someone and
you don't get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text
message to someone you really like and you get a response right away you feel
happy? You feel happy, the body, it creates the chemical dopamine, the
dopamine, it goes through your blood and you become addicted to that dopamine
rush, and you associate that dopamine rush with the happy feeling of receiving
the text, and that's why you got people sending 3,000 text messages a
day, right, we're not even paying attention to what we're saying anymore it's
just like a, like a morphine drip, right, it's like a dopamine drip! HAPPY
BUTTONS! HAPPY BUTTONS! HAPPY BUTTONS! TIME TO PLAY WITH THE HAPPY BUTTONS!” - Tom
Green
Like my autumn poem I am not desperate and will hold out for
the right relationship – I owe this to myself, my son, and frankly deserve it!
Talking about things is one thing, action is another and it’s this fantasy I am
wary of as reality always intrudes (rightly so) – in the end I am basically lonely and ultimately
want to share the ups and downs, challenges and opportunities, laughter and
tears with a partner. Right now that is out
of reach for me and I know I will meet many “frogs” on the way – but could make
some interesting new friendships too. It’s a risk either
way – but I need to be a little more detached, less open than the person that I am
but willing to compromise on the qualities I want such as care, passion and
empathy – none of us are perfect and I don’t rate myself too much in the beauty
stakes either – although I do know that I am not as unattractive as my profile picture! Must
get a new one – and all you guys out there please smile in yours!
“Because
that's what Life is: Fire. It's the fiery fun of love, adventure, inspiration,
and passion. It is the fiery pit of pain, anger and disappointment. The right
partner is someone who is brave to risk all just to taste the experience of
loving you.”
The one thing is however I don’t think I have wasted my time
– I have gradually learned what I do not want, learnt to flirt a bit and have
giggled a lot – now just need to go out and meet someone - now who are they who
have offered me a date? – perhaps I should accept and not put my eggs in one basket or as my dad would say "play the field"! I almost feel like a teenager once again I am that nervous, but with a little bit of confidence, a bit of belief, and trusting that the right people will appear - I do think I am ready to swim with some sharks!
“There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The
old man is an old man. The boy is a boy and the fish is a fish. The shark are
all sharks no better and no worse. What goes beyond is what you see beyond when
you know.” Ernest Hemingway
