The beginning of this year started so slowly but now wow it has
accelerated at full speed and I have had to sometimes force myself to slow down
– now I am sitting here with a lurgy – tissues in one hand and sipping warm lemonade,
lemon and honey with the other while typing this blog – oh to multi-task!
“I know that you
believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant.” Robert McCloskey
Over the last five months I have done a lot of listening –
not to say that I have been keeping quiet (!). From attending meetings, forums
and social functions I wonder sometimes how much we do really listen to each other. I'm not talking just about the verbal but
also the non-verbal like body language and reading between the lines – when we
read articles, Twitter and Facebook comments, and poetry, watch TV and many other media forms. I mean how many of you can tell your friends
are not that happy by the pictures, quotes and comments made on this kind of
media? How many of us take messages very personally thinking it’s somehow meant for us only? And how
many of us interpret an innocent comment into something much bigger – it can be
a mind-field out there!
“It is the province of
knowledge to speak and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.”Oliver Wendell
Holmes
The last three months has been one of making new contacts, friends,
and colleagues – brainstorming meetings, forums, continuing the creative side of me
through writing and performing, and the privilege and trust of being taken into
confidences. It’s a strange thing when
people want to take you into their confidence and you are considered trustful –
a privilege in fact. Then there is the judging
of what to do with the information and
knowledge you have been given - can it be freely passed on to others, kept to
yourself, or discussed with other trusted colleagues and friends and the impact
that could have.
"Just being
available and attentive is a great way to use listening as a management tool.
Some employees will come in, talk for twenty minutes, and leave having solved
their problems entirely by themselves." Nicholas V. Luppa
Long ago back in my corporate life I used to be a counsellor
for performance management and I was very much of the view that any problems
and issues that were discussed should be kept within that meeting unless it
would become such an issue it would have an business impact on the organisation
I worked for or the person I was counselling – this is where I would seek consultation
from others. However other meetings would find me making suggestions on how performance
could be achieved whether through the right training, practical experience or
talking to the right people, getting them noticed (in a good way) and how to
change perceptions (which is not an easy thing to do for anyone). Other meetings would involve talking about
their personal lives. I think I was good
at it, I very much enjoyed this aspect of my job and I was able to find
creative ways to encourage others without taking the credit for performance improvement
when it came (and it always did) because they did it themselves - just needed a little encouragement and believe. I was
the voice for my counselees who were being graded on performance needing to liaise with
those who the person I counselled worked for, recognising strengths and
weaknesses, and managing expectations and being realistic about that person’s
gifts and abilities. However, it was one also where the counselee was given the
tools, but needed to have the wings to fly themselves. It was their choice.
“Every person in this life has something to
teach me--and as soon as I accept that, I open myself to truly listening.” Catherine
Doucette
However, it should be noted that I was not so wise to my own
blind spots! They were after all blind to me and having your weaknesses pointed
out is not always a nice thing (although the way it is communicated to you
really matters). It’s easier to look at
another person, their problems, issues and relationships and see what is happening than actually being immersed in those problems yourself with all the emotions involved –
sometimes we cannot see the wood for the trees! Of course I still have blind spots so if someone wants to point them out to me in an encouraging way ........ Perhaps we should take our own advice given to others more often .... just a thought.
“The intimacy that
arises in listening and speaking truth is only possible if we can open to the
vulnerability of our own hearts. Breathing in, contacting the life that is
right here, is our first step. Once we have held ourselves with kindness, we
can touch others in a vital and healing way.” Tara Brach
Having recently been trained to be a Lay Chaplain I have
seen another side to how important it is just to listen to people – this is a
skill that seems to have been lost somewhat in our culture where the loudest
voices are heard first and acted on, opinions are thrust upon you and choices
are made without detailed discussion, proper debate or consideration. Being a Lay Chaplain is really just about listening
and keeping a conversation moving where relevant and talking about spirituality
when led by the person you are talking to. I have only being doing this for a
very short time but I have already heard some stories good and sad, those of
the everyday and others heartbreaking and poignant full of memories. Being a Lay Chaplain is my way of giving back
to people after my brush with cancer who are very often not been given a choice
of where they find themselves, vulnerable and having very different needs. Some of the people I have met have such
positivity and the gift of laughter in adversity that they have inspired me.
“Being heard is so
close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
David Augsburger
When I was ill with cancer (and before that depression) looking
back it was extremely important to me that I had those who could just listen and empathise
– not telling me what to do, or judging, because I could figure out what was
best for me for myself and the feeling that you are being judged and found
wanting rather than being encouraged is not helpful at all. I was lucky I found those people (some I knew
and some who were strangers) and it aided those spirits within me to stay
positive which is so important when fighting a serious illness. There are people who are ill, those who are caring for people who are
ill, people who have a range of issues and problems who just want to be
listened too. Particularly in these times of austerity people do not feel that they are being
listened on so many levels – particularly by Governments.
“Listening is a gift
of spiritual significance that you can learn to give to others. When you
listen, you give one a sense of importance, hope and love that he or she may
not receive any other way. Through listening, we nurture and validate the
feelings one has, especially when he or she experiences difficulties in life.” H. Norman Wright
Recently I also did some “Jesus decking” – this is a pack of
cards which reflect pictures of the Gospel and cards are chosen to which people
are most drawn to. A question is asked
of why a particular card(s) has been selected and the listening process starts
with interjections where necessary – it’s not about you; it’s about the other
person their thoughts, their spirituality and sometimes revealing secrets or a
side of person they are only just exploring. The open dialogue and reflection you are given back can have
consequences that you may never know about. A seed planted, an issue shared and may be a solution found.
“When someone tells
you something big, it's like you're taking money from them, and there's no way
it will ever go back to being the way it was. You have to take responsibility
for listening.” Banana Yoshimoto, The
Lake
Other confidences that I have had recently have been deeply
personal and something I would never divulge to another person or gossip about
- and other times have been a kind of mutual supportive counselling giving and
taking on each side from friends and colleagues. The one thing I have particularly learned this year is to hold my tongue, think about what I am saying before
blurting it out and not fill up the silences. Silences are important but can be uncomfortable. And then there are the other confidences
which have been news I have been given ahead of time (some confidential) and
perhaps being used as a sounding board, but is not for me to talk about (although
could be hinted about if necessary for encouragement)
- this includes my work but on so many other levels as well.
“You're short on ears
and long on mouth.” John Wayne
Research shows that we speak at a rate of about 125 words
per minute, yet have the capacity to listen to about 400 words per minute. So
what are we doing with that extra space in our minds when someone else is talking?
Are we really listening?
“One of the most
sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” Bryant McGill
There is nothing worse than knowing that someone is doing
something else while we are communicating with them – looking at their iPods,
mobiles, not maintaining eye contact and looking over our heads as if they are
somewhere else. Often I find myself
listening but also planning the rest of my day, or muddling through something
that has happened or even deciding what you will say next before the conversation
has finished! Sometimes I want to fill a
silence and will try to finish the sentence with what I think they are saying
(a real fault of mine), worse interjecting half-way through and cutting them
off. Other times I know I would benefit
from a “South Islands Concho shell” so not to hog a conversation! A real no, no is to put a meaning
to a part of a conversation without considering all that has been said –
especially when something said may have hit a personal spot and you mull on
that aspect only. We need to let go of our
need to be right or place our ideas about what the other person should be
saying or doing, and hear them as if for the first time. This is a pretty hard
thing to do.
“Most people do not
listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen
R. Covey
When speaking to people also focus on the body language,
tone of voice, and rate of speaking – not just in them but in you too. Look
beneath the words to see what feelings and needs are being communicated. You
never know what you might find. Show
interest by maintaining eye contact, uncross arms, and ask open questions that
take the conversation deeper to find out what really matters to the person you
are speaking to – without of course being seen as an inquisitor! Repeating what you have just heard is also a
good idea without asking for clarification you could say, “So what you are
saying is....” Show interest. Effective
listening shows you care develop empathy and understanding of another's
experience and aids your own relationships with people to thrive.
“...you listen first
with the ears - then, you wait and listen for what your heart feels - then you
consider what they've said - then, you reply ...” John Geddes
Acting on conversations will involve judgement calls being
made and this is where things can become murky – if a conversation has been one of anger it is
better not to react immediately if you can and take some time to consider what
has been said – and then a response made, if necessary, when emotions have calmed
down. Sometimes it is what is not said that matters rather than
what is. As I said a mind-field rather than a mine-field!
“The word 'listen'
contains the same letters as the word 'silent'.” Alfred Brendel
Others may be part of a group and do not say much at all, it
may be they are just taking in what others are saying, do not feel comfortable
in group situations and are much better on a one-to-one basis, have a lack of
confidence to contribute or find it difficult to get their voice heard from
other personalities. Sometimes it is
these people who are listening the most and have valuable insights if only if
we give ourselves a chance to listen to them!
“Each of us has one.
Each voice is distinct and has something to say. Each voice deserves to be
heard. But it requires the act of listening.”
Terry Tempest Williams
Listening to others problems, encouraging and supporting them
can be draining on your own emotional intelligence and you need to offload let
alone dealing with your own problems and issues which you may want heard as
well – that is where my blog and poetry comes in – my therapy, my release –
some people run, some people dance, some people play games on Facebook – I like
to write.
“If we can share our story with someone who
responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.” Brené Brown,
There are so many ways that we counsel each other through
life, albeit if you are chatting with your hairdresser, taxi driver, friends
and colleagues, and also through media – it could just be a stranger at the bus
top. There are those who are trained to listen and those who do it informally
and those who don’t know they are doing it. I have been in counselling both through my
marriage breakup and through my depression a few years ago – it may have
brought up some painful moments but it did make me face aspects of my life and
put them into focus. Generally it is not a counsellor’s job to tell
you what they think you should be doing or to make judgements on you as a
person but to equip you with tools to deal with issues that are overwhelming
you which may be causing problems with your mental health. It was those during
my day to day life who were around me I would sometimes offload to or on my
blog – and this all fine and dandy along as you give those people a chance to offload
too! Some people just keep things very
closely within themselves but there do come times, given the opportunity and in
the right circumstances, where they do open up – and this could be to anyone – talking
to a stranger can be a good thing rather than to those who know you with preconceived
judgements and perceptions.
One friend, one person
who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen to us as we
consider a problem, can change our whole outlook on the world." Dr. E. H. Mayo
We all have an influence on each other and we all deserve
the privilege of listening and being listened to. It maybe that you say “no I'm not influential” but how do you know this? Sometimes it is something we just don't recognise in ourselves (or even in others), just having a discussion, an
offload, sharing of sadness or happiness, a laugh, a smile - the impact of which
can have repercussions and reverberations on that other person which no-one
will ever know about.
“Too often we
underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an
honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the
potential to turn a life around.” Leo Buscaglia
So have we lost the art of listening to each other? Is it something we can improve on? Could it
help all our relationships? I think so
and I’m practicing!
