Memorial and apologies

Today I had my fourth chemo, yes my fourth and I have been unable to blog until now and I so much wanted to share my thoughts, my feelings as I went through the last 9 weeks and my  experiences both good bad.  PC  World has a lot to answer for!  I am now over whelmed on how much I have to share.  I have had personal battles to overcome with myself and others, and such good things have happened along with several stresses.  I apologise for anyone who has been following my blog and thought I had abandoned it!!

Today is a special day – I am remembering my mother who died of ovarian cancer on this date – a date that I had my chemo and it makes it extra poignant that in some way I am suffering through some of things that she did, and brings back the fact I am fighting for my survival and the scary thought of what happens if all my cancer as not been caught and very real threat of secondary cancer – not immediately but maybe years down the line.  These are the negative thoughts that I try to keep away but sometimes they just can’t be hidden.  This is where by ability to hide my head in the sand and hope solutions to problems just come is helpful! 

I miss my mum so much, her love, wisdom and comfort.  I have lit a candle, have a photograph nearby and card of hope sent by my sister.  My son and I have lit sparklers as my sister and I did on that night fusing them together as they did then.  Around midnight I will blow the candle out, the time she died and post this blog as my memorial to her.   Shortly after my mother died I had a vision of her as full of health and vitality – as a goddess raising from the ashes, and received a message promising that she would always be with me, and a part of me as I was a part of her.  It is something that has spiritually helped me get over her death and suffering through these last eight years.  God bless you mum.

Over the next few days I will update the happenings over the last 9 weeks – my feelings then are very different to the ones I have now.  I can retrospectively look back and reflect and see the angels is disguises, the trials and tribulations that have made me stronger and the special things that have me happy.  Life goes on whatever situations we find ourselves in and in each experience there are so many positives to be found.  I found a passage in my mum’s bible which most reflects what I have felt:  “… do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day”.