A Study on Anger – Part III
Managing Anger
Have you ever lost your temper over some little thing and
totally over reacted or become angry but you are really angry about something
else? I have done do, and often times have said and
done some hurtful things when I am angry, and when I've calmed down again I
hate myself and feel ashamed. I think we
probably have all found ourselves in this position more than once.
Although, as discussed before, anger is neither good nor
bad, it can be frightening. What counts is how we handle it (and ourselves)
when we're angry. Anger is a common
emotion and is a totally natural reaction to something that has hurt us.
“As children when we
get hurt we feel angry and we want to hurt back. If a child hits another child
even if it was accidental, the other child automatically strikes back. As we
mature we usually learn that hurting someone back doesn't help with the
problem. If the hurt was not intended and was purely accidental, hurting the
other person may make them want to intentionally hurt us. If the hurt was
intentional and we hurt back, the other person may feel justified in first
having hurt us and in giving more hurt in return for the hurt we've given them."
“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach
them how to be angry.” - Lyman Abbott
But what is the best way to manage your own anger?
“Anybody can become angry - that
is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the
right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not
within everybody's power and is not easy. “ – Aristotle
Looking differently at and changing how we react with
situations that make us angry takes practice. Unfortunately, when you are
angry, you often act on a judgmental basis. For example, if you are in a
situation that is potentially dangerous or dangerous towards loved ones such as
children, then you have no choice but to act. However if your anger is not in an emergency
situation, then research suggest that you should really slow down, step back
and try and think more clearly.
I find that sometimes if I am already irritable then just an
offhand comment can make me angry and I then direct my anger wrongly. This is
because my initial judgment has made the remark feel more threatening than it
really is and it’s particularly at these sort of times it is better to slow
down and think before responding in anger. But how often do I do this – perhaps
not often enough!
Having experienced so much emotional anger over the years I
do know that anger expressed wrongly not only wounds those it targets, but can impair
the hearts of those who nurture it whether it arises from your own inner pain, or
from a loved one.
My research has showed that when we are involved in an
argument or reacting to someone who has hurt us, responding in anger often
justifies our anger and then that too causes more pain. We need to try to put
ourselves in the other person's shoes; we might then see what we have
contributed in even a small way to the problem. If we can find a way to say I'm
sorry, and ask for forgiveness in anything we might have done to contribute to
the problem we may then be able seek to find forgiveness in our own hearts to
extend to that person.
How hard this is to do when you feel that your anger is
justified, you may well be able to see the other person’s point of view but
when hurt has been caused on both sides you want the other person to also meet
you somewhere in the middle and be sorry as well. But that might not be the case so it takes
courage to say sorry especially when you don’t thing you have been completely in
wrong in the first place. I am not sure
right now that I have that kind of courage to this. I can forgive and be
forgiven but to actually start the process of resolution and healing in this way
is not something I think I can do right now.
But all the time the anger is unresolved the more it broods and is
repressed which is not healthy.
“To carry a grudge is like being
stung to death by one bee.” William H.
Walton
When I am really angry I sometimes ask myself if my best
friend is in this situation, what advice would I give to them. This enables me to look at the situation more
objectively and stand back from it.
Each instance of anger asks us to make a choice. We can respond by being hostile, including overt violence, or we can respond with hostile inaction, such as withdrawing. We can also harbour resentment; or we can work to better understand and manage our anger to resolve the issue.
“There is nothing more galling to angry people than the coolness of those on whom they wish to vent their spleen.”
- Alexandre Dumas
As previously discussed suppression of anger may have
harmful effects on us in that the suppressed anger may find another outlet,
such as a health risks, future outbursts of unmeant anger, or to our own mental well-being. However, psychologists have also criticised the "catharsis
theory" of aggression, which suggests that "unleashing" pent-up
anger can reduce the feelings of anger – I am not quite sure about this
although I can see that unleashing pent-up at the wrong time could cause untold
harm.
But there are healthy ways of dealing with anger that can
help you resolve, forgive both yourself and others and make positive changes in
your life and others:
1. Acknowledge your anger: When
we feel angry about a situation we are facing or at a person who is challenging
us in some way, our anger is a signal and warning that something is out of
balance. As a warning, anger saves us the grief of sitting still and doing
nothing about a situation or when circumstances require a positive change. Clenching
your teeth while repressing your feelings is not good for you, the person with
who you are angry with (or your gastrointestinal tract). Give yourself permission to feel angry: It’s OK to feel angry. Feeling anger does not involve making a
judgement about whether you are right or wrong about your feelings, they are the
just the way you feel. Allowing anger doesn't mean that you will necessarily
communicate it to another, or tell someone that you feel angry with them
“Anger is an
essential part of being human. People are taught to deny themselves anger, and
in this, they are actually opening themselves up to hate. The more you deny
yourself the freedom to be angry, the more you will hate. Let yourself be
angry, and hate will disintegrate, and when hate disintegrates, forgiveness
prevails! The more you deny that you are angry, in attempts to be
"holy" the more inhuman you will become, and the more inhuman you
will become, the harder it will be to forgive.” - C. JoyBell C.
2.
Stepping back: The main advice I have always had when I am
angry and the one I give my son is to hold your breath and count to ten before
you say anything or to try and walk away from angry situations. Research suggests that this is good
advice. Give yourself some space on your
own and allow yourself to feel the anger.
By being in a safe place of love and privacy you are less likely to
express your anger badly with someone else, and you get a clearer idea of what
you are angry about. If a situation arises unexpectedly and you feel your
temper rising, walk away if you can before you react. Make sure you give yourself enough time and
thought to what exactly you’re angry about. You need to be sure before you can
resolve it. It will usually involve a person, but not necessarily the one who's
the target of your anger and it is with this person you need to sort the
situation out with.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one
hundred”. - Thomas Jefferson
3.
Spell it out: Writing down
your feelings is a good way in which you can sort out why you're angry and what
you could do to improve the situation. Putting your feelings into words can act
to lessen the feelings of anger and help them work their way out of your
system. The first thing to do is list the situations that make you angry and
note down exactly what it is about them that makes you angry - it could be the
here and now, or it could be a build-up of issues you haven't resolved, or some
things from the past. Finding the reason for your anger is an important step,
is your anger justified and in proportion?
If your anger turns out to be more to do with the past than the present,
then think about how to address that before, or as well as, dealing with the
current situation. Writing down your angry feelings on a piece of paper and
then tearing up the paper is a way of symbolically destroying the anger.
“The greatest remedy
for anger is delay.” - Thomas Paine.
4. Get
physical: Connect to your body and mind by channelling your
anger. This could be an activity that
can release tension - dancing, kickboxing and running – or just scream. Instead
of letting frustration burn you up, release it, a good laugh or a good cry can
also work. If necessary lash out by hitting a cushion, breaking crockery if you
have to, or making some kind of angry noise (make sure that it’s somewhere it
will not alarm anyone else though!).
“It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the
same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to
choose either.” - Wayne Dyer
Another way to lessen your angry
feelings and help you get control is called EFT or Emotional Freedom
Techniques. This involves tapping on acupressure points and it helps release
intense emotions so they won't be expressed destructively.
5. Seek perspective: Being at
peace can also reduce anger. Sometimes we just need to stop and be still. Using
meditation or breathing exercises can help or such exercise as Yoga. Music can also change how we feel. If we use
uplifting music when we are upset it can help us calm down. Make a list of the things you're grateful
for. Sometimes just sitting and focusing on what is right in your life can give
you increased fulfilment and lessen stressful situations.
If you stop to think about it, anger has likely been the great motivator
of change in your life. My anger (or desperation) ended a toxic relationship
after years of putting up with someone who discouraged me and abused both me
and my son. I was angry with myself for putting up with their behaviour for so
long, and yes I did hope that they would change. Eventually though I was fed up
enough to let my anger win, and it gave me the power to take help when offered
and the courage to end the relationship. Only when we put our anger in
perspective and get mad enough to change the direction of our lives can we earn
self-respect.
6.
Connect with others: Sharing your
feelings with a trusted person can often be very useful but be careful of the
friend who encourages you to be angrier then you actually are. If you know someone who finds it easy to
understand another's point of view, it may be worth doing some work with them talking
through your anger and looking at who is either directing their anger at you, or
who you are directing your anger at. Old wounds can be easily triggered and for
many the response is anger. If something
happens that reminds you of a bad experience from the past - let yourself feel
what you've hidden for so long, and then let it go through forgiveness. For
more deep-rooted anger (may be from childhood or something else more serious) talking
to a counsellor may be able help you change your perceptions and help you
overcome your anger.
Talking to a
counsellor both helped me come to the realisation that I needed to walk away
from my bad relationship and then later to come to terms with the abuse and the
fact that I allowed it to happen. It
doesn’t mean that all those angry feelings are completely gone, or that they
don’t come out now and again when I feel someone is trying to manipulate or
control me, but they are now really just a dull ache and I have both forgiven
myself, my ex-partner and the past.
“Defensiveness is
usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them
in disguise. When you look for deeper meanings behind someone’s pain you can
then begin to heal not only yourself but others.” - Shannon L. Alder
7. Take action: If you are under
a verbal attack a healthy response is anger. Rather than cowering in fear or
retracting and feeling even more vulnerable, a little anger can push you to
yell out a resounding "Stop". Anger is an enforcer of good boundaries
so that you don't become a doormat or pushover in instances when others try to
dominate or threaten your safety and well-being. If you are suffering abuse by
someone’s anger then try to chart out steps to improve the situation. A plan of
action can lend a sense of control; help stop the madness or giving you the
courage to walk away. In an unexpected
situation, self-control is all about thinking before you act and can put some
precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an
action you may regret. Trying to understand another's point of view
before expressing your own anger often helps diffuse anger. Strangely enough it
has also been said that by doing something good for someone even though they
haven't treated you well may also diffuse their anger and yours. By witnessing and understanding anger in
others we can see how destructive it can be, but we can also see its merits in
many situations. We learn that anger turned to passion can help us achieve our
dreams and even how it can champion the lives of others.
“... but if I've learned one thing, it's this:
forgiveness is crucial. If you can't forgive someone you're mad at, that anger
will poison you. You have to learn to let it go"... "people have
reasons for doing the things that they do, especially when they care about you.
You may not always understand what they are, but if you can try to understand
the person then you might see that they really care, despite what
happened." pg 100 Meredith to Vlad”- Heather Brewer
8. Watch
it: Sometimes even when
things seem resolved your inner dialogue of thoughts and feelings can serve as an
early warning system for future conflicts. It can also help you determine if
you're holding a grudge long after it's good to do so. Self-awareness is the
ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and this is why once the
cause of the anger is resolved you may still have to deal with the physical
effects of that anger- all that energy has to go somewhere. This can be taken
out on another person, such as a partner, or an object - by punching a wall,
for example and lead down the path to self-harm.
Often we allow ourselves to be
upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many hours brooding
over grievances that could in time be forgotten by us and by everybody. Why
waste time being unhappy when you could be taking a more positive approach and
direct your feelings to do things that are more worthwhile.
9. Prayer: Prayer has helped me lessen my anger and to forgive. However new research from American and Dutch
scientists have now proven that praying can help ease anger, lower aggression
and lessen the impact of provocation. Studies
have shown that prayer may really be an effective way to calm anger and
aggression although it should be pointed out that these results only apply to the
typical benevolent prayers that are advocated by most religions. Vengeful or hateful prayers, rather than
changing people’s view of a negative situation, may actually fuel anger and
aggression.
Brad Bushman, Ohio State
University: “When people are confronting
their own anger, they may want to consider the old advice of praying for one’s
enemies, it may not benefit their enemies, but it may help them deal with the
negative emotions. People often turn to prayer when they’re feeling negative
emotions, including anger. We found that prayer really can help people cope
with their anger, probably by helping them change how they view the events that
angered them and helping them take it less personally”. In the research published by both the
American and Dutch scientists it was found that prayer helped to control anger
regardless of the person's religious affiliation, or if they attended church or
prayed regularly.
10. Redirect
your anger: Justified anger is
anger that is fair and reasonable in the circumstances. Anger can be good for
you because it's designed to protect us, our relationships and our way of
seeing the world.
“The world needs more anger. The world often
continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough.” ― Bede Jarrett
I am so sad sometimes at just how angry our world is
and the level of aggression, anger, greed, selfishness and self-harm. Turn on
the TV to any news cast or news oriented program and watch it objectively. Most
likely, it won't take you long to see just how angry some of these people are. Some
days it seems as if a spirit of anger is permeating the entire world. Media
gives a power and a force to angry words and violent images seen through the
eyes of those that watch. It is a powerful medium that can be positive or
negative, a force for good or exploitation.
“Where in is the cause for anger, envy or discrimination?”― Mahatma
Gandhi
One of the main characteristic of our angry world seems
to be envy, the kind where one cannot tolerate the thought of anyone being in
any way better than oneself and a burning need to be superior to others, a
belief that one is fundamentally better than other people (including countries);
or its the “got-to-have-it” mentality. People seem to be more impatient, rude and
demanding.
“Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over
their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.”― Malcolm
X
But across the world anger is being redirected through legitimate
discontent. When we get riled up confronted with circumstances that just seem
unfair, our anger can move us deeply and points out what matters most to us. It
could be world hunger, saving the whales or the need for a go slow sign outside
a school. A cause needs angry
individuals to fuel it. The "I
don't care attitude" does not change the world. It’s often the greatest
accomplishments of this world were achieved because someone got angry enough to
insist on a change.
"The key to the transformation of the world of Anger lies in
self-mastery-channelling the energy that has formerly been directed toward
winning over others into winning over oneself. This begins simply with the
humility to respect and admire what is praiseworthy in others."
Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a
rock.” ― Sigmund Freud
When I was younger I think to some
extent I was addicted to drama, the negative feelings and then the rush you can
get when these feelings are passionately released – it was almost like being on
the “rollercoaster” at the funfair - and the ride was certainly difficult to
get off!
Through writing this blog I have
become aware of the positive feelings you can get from anger as well as the
negative ones. By recognising the positive and negative feelings associated
with my anger, I can find other means of achieving and concentrating on the
positives ones. Instead of dwelling on
my anger looking for the good in my life helps it go away faster. Focusing on
the things I am grateful for and that bless my life is one of the best ways I
can overcome anger.
It’s been many years since I have
felt so calm and I believe the calmness is because cancer has forced me to live
day by day, has enable me to become more grateful for what I have now and
learning to let go of my anger in a positive way. I try and live by the motto "Do unto others as you would have them do
unto you," (much mentioned throughout my blogs) and imagine how much
less anger there would be in the world if everyone believed in this way.
The Prisoner –
Tears for Fears
“Here behind the wall, I feel so small,
Breathing but not perceiving
Here anger is me, Love sets me free
Feeling and not believing,
Here in my mind, Biding my time,
Waiting but not relating
Here anger is me, Love sets me free
The Prisoner is now escaping”
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