Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The trouble about having time on your hands!

I have been asked why I haven't blogged recently and to be honest just for this moment in time I’m all blogged out!  I am not sure what to write about and not know how to it make it witty and meaningful.  Does anyone else ever feel like that about their blogs?  It’s probably because I am so frustrated just sitting at home waiting to get out of my plaster and be able to move again – moonboot on Monday!

 In one way time is going by so slowly and I just can’t wait for the time to go by, but in another way time is marching away far too fast.  My deadline for finding a new place to live is coming up and at last I am now going up higher up on the council list so I can actually go and view a few places.  Flats unfortunately and not a house with a garden which is really what I want, but it will be good to be able to have my own place at last – somewhere I can call home.  It crossed my mind the other day that I have never had a place which I could call my own.  I lived with my parents, shared houses in many different places with many different people when younger and when I got married I moved into my husband’s flat – it was very much his and my husband never wanted to move or sell so we could get a place we could call ours (although now on hindsight it could have been very much part of his need to control everything), and now I rent a house (with various housemates now and again) which has had many conditions attached to it that I couldn’t just close the door and call it my sanctuary or my home.  Although going into the council system is not ideal, and a flat definitely isn’t ideal, it will be a place I can call my own and then I can close the door and call it home - a new start a new beginning - as well as being cheaper and more affordable where I am at the moment.  And having somewhere more affordable to live is part of it all too, because as soon as I move, and have the necessary things I need around me, I have to decide how to tackle my debts (which are frighteningly mounting up) some of which are due to having cancer and having a reduced working salary over quite a long period of time.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining and have had help in this area, but life is not easy when you have cancer, a single mother and are broke as well!

Otherwise, health wise I feel a whole lot better than I was.  My hair is growing back although lots of grey tinged with dark hair – can’t wait until there is enough hair so I can colour it; and I have eyelashes and eyebrows again.  Soon I will be able to put on eyeliner and mascara again and will feel it actually makes a difference.  Still waiting for my finger nails to grow and I am not sure if the tingling at the end of my fingers will ever go away completely, still have a low appetite and taste buds not completely back as they were, don’t dare look at my feet but then I can’t reach them anyway - only time will tell on my recovery from cancer treatment.  And that is the problem I still feel that I am in limbo, life on hold waiting for a time to feel myself again – but not actually knowing what myself actually is.  I do think I am a little chemo brained (great article shared by BeyondtheBoobieTrap (on Twitter and Facebook)) as I still find it hard to concentrate on things like reading a book, doing crosswords and word games which I used to love to do, or just going through my paperwork and catching up with people. Sometimes I find I am slipping down that slope into feeling down and sorry for myself and thus into depression which is a place I don’t want to find myself in again – been there, done that and got the tea-shirt!  I think I have too much time on my own, too much thinking time!!  I used to be desperate for time on my own just to think - so you do sometimes have to be careful for what you wish for!
A kind soul sent me a video by Louisa Hay and I have been saying positive affirmations to myself ever since then – “I am a beautiful, kind and great person and deserve love and respect”.   I do know this is true so why do I doubt it sometimes?

I have had quite a few visits from people who have kept my spirits up and bless them for coming over – especially the Source folk.
With the onset of spring coming, I definitely do sense the time for new growth, beginnings, forgiveness and sunshine and thus being more positive and just want to be able to get out doors, breathe in the freshness of spring, smile at others and pass the hope of emerging from wintertime on!

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized”. Wayne Dyer

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present”. Lao Tzu

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”  Maya Angelou

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home”. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” M. Scott Peck

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

 “When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.” George O'Neil

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”  Oscar Wilde,

"10% of life is what happens to you 90% is how you respond to it."

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