Silence solves the problem of being perceived as less-than-masculine for a man. Silence can serve as a last-ditch effort to protect ourselves and our relationships from a sense of defeat and resignation. Silence helps us keep our manners. It prevents us from saying something regrettable. Silence can be a way to avoid experiencing the pain that your unhappiness or disappointment can bring. Silence can be used to punish or manipulate. Silence can just be the absence sound. Silence can be the disappearance of a loved one. Silence can be lonely. Silence can be reflective, healing and inspirational
11 September 2013
“And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.” Fran Drescher
To say I am sad as I write this on the 11th September is probably an understatement and what is making me sad it is the silence from a person I had dreams and hopes for and who are unable, unwilling or just don’t share the same feeling and the loss of a missed opportunity on a person who once thought and then found they couldn't take a chance on me. It almost feels like an end of an love affair which is so pathetic because I had never actually met this man! It’s the silence without explanation or closure, or honesty that hurts the most.
“In a world of self-indulgence your attitude is going to be your biggest obstacle because you're only concerned with yourself!”
Ironic in a way I writing this on 9/11 because there are a whole lot of people grieving right now on this particular date and for the silence that happened suddenly for them– and it puts everything in perspective and I know that I am being very self-indulgent because not all is a tragedy and there are good experiences that happen every day that you need to hang on to and be grateful for. Think I need to find some laughter!
“Our greatest enemy is the enemy within, for hidden there are dark and destructive emotions. But also hidden there is the light of reason that can lead us to the dawn. “ Edwin Mamerto
But I have also realised that even this sadness is not so straight forward or simple and much more complex. I may be grieving for my past and those hidden emotions that are being stirred with my quest to find fulfillment from sensual and perceived love. Grieving for the lost years of living in an abusive marriage, of depression and through fighting cancer and pretending to be strong when I wasn't grieving for my vulnerability and how I wear my heart on my sleeve; grieving for the daily struggle of being a single mother on a low wage and feeling guilty that I cannot provide sometimes for even the basic needs of my child; and grieving this feeling of loneliness. Is it unusual to have these feelings? No, when you have been through cancer, it is not unusual and you could say that it is bound to happen. Do I need to see my doctor about this with my propensity towards depression – probably?
“Life is painful. It has thorns, like the stem of a rose. Culture and art are the roses that bloom on the stem. The flower is yourself, your humanity. Art is the liberation of the humanity inside yourself.” ― Daisaku Ikeda
What has caused this grief, well a mixture of worries but more because of my search for love and the twist and turns and I haven’t even met this person, just a photo, some FB messages and a very occasional voice – and it was me who did the chasing. This has led to a feeling of rejection, shame and stupidity and mistrust which has brought back a whole raft of feelings and emotions that I thought I had dealt with but no they have just been hidden in the depths of my soul. From such a high over the summer to such a low as September and autumn starts to sets in. There is so much love in me to give to the right person – and that is the crux of it – but it has to be the right person. I have now un-friended this person from my Facebook as the temptation for me to contact him is too much and with such a loud sound of silence coming from that direction I will could make even more of a fool of myself than I have already have done. Yes the sound of silence can be very loud!
“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” ― Albert Camus
I have to remember how much I love the autumn months, the beautiful colours as the leaves turn russets greens, pinks and browns and of misty mornings and crisp sunshine days; the mystery of Halloween, the whiz bright twirls and frizzle of fireworks, and the anticipation of the build up to Christmas. I have to recite each day the things I should be thankful for - how busy I am going to be with my poetry and other community and missionary activities over the coming months. See the good that happens in each day and focus on those happy and positive thoughts and believe in myself more.
“From a universal perspective, what you do matters less than how you feel about what you do.”
Sometimes I regret having starting to look for love again – and they do say it is when you are not looking for it that it comes along. For a poet I suppose these feelings and emotions are brilliant for angst poetry and indeed I have written a whole series of poems called “Seduction of the mind”. Here is one of them with regard to an on-line dating site:
Welcome, come in and have a peek why don’t you? Just a moment of my time of insight and fantasy imagined unreality. And where will it lead to I wonder? Are you bruised, lonely, and bored or are there other desires you want to explore – can’t promise to live up to your expectation. This is a kind of weird place somewhat twisted in some areas leading to dead ends and others of speculation, and if you are lucky will click with a personality who excites your dreams, your whims of uncertainty or just make you smile once in a while and a wink or two. So gently knock at a door or be bold and state your intention from the start but be careful with those with a broken-heart and those that burn with a passion drawing you into a web of deceit. You can be anyone here, honest or lie; finding love if you try or maybe that is not what you want but companionship or a virtual sexual liaison to ease your frustration. Do you know what you want? Do you take that that leap of faith to actually meet, to date and not wait or stay anonymous not wanting to be found out? A chance to believe that out there in this ether is a person meant just for you, building up a picture in your mind but is it true? So welcome to this seduction of the mind and what you may find. Its romance, its hope, its laughter and just depends on what you are after. So take a peek or pass me by but really I’m just looking for a nice guy!
“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
However, I am not giving up! There is a guy who is declaring his love for me, and writes with a poetic heart but there again I am distrustful of this as we have never met and not quite believing its true either. There are some dates coming up and interesting chats online which are making me laugh and keeping my interest – and the sheer audacity of some approaches and requests – I have you know I am a good down-to-earth Christian gal!!
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." - Woody Allen, Love and Death
So I am giving myself a good kick, get myself sorted and move on and trust that God will bring someone into my life - probably when I am not looking - lol!