WHO AM I?

Recently I was featured in the local paper with the title “Poetry gave me a reason for living” – not something I said or would have chosen and in a way of a headline and think it should be the other way round “Living gave me the reason for poetry”!  By writing this blog as my kind of therapy of the past, present and future and expression of a place where I find hope as well.  I was asked how I could sum up in one sentence of where I thought I was today - and I couldn’t. How can you define past experiences in one sentence?

“A poet's autobiography is his poetry. Anything else is just a footnote.” Yevgeny Yevtushenk

How do you explain how frustrating it is just living day by day without being able to make plans, not even for the next day let alone months or years ahead and how frustrating it is watching those around you forge ahead to the future, while the future seems blocked off to you.  How do you put in words the fatigue, the emotional rollercoaster of a serious illness?  How do you explain how you feel having your child watch you go through depression, and cancer treatment having already suffered from rejection and leaving behind all that he knew to no security of his own home, his own space and then made to feel of no value and treated with a lack of understanding and empathy from others?  I could have wept with despair, or become very angry, became isolated and sunk further into depression – and I am not saying that some days I didn’t or still feel burdened down (and even still do now in recovery) – but I wrote a blog and poetry instead and expressed my feelings there, found quotes that kept me positive, grateful for what I did have, and sought out supportive people who made me laugh, lifted my spirits and who were there when I needed them – and still are around but I can now be around for them too.  And there were certain people around who I could depend on and kept me going with such concern, kindness and practical support. I learned that you cannot go it alone when the going gets tough and also found out those who really cared me and valued me for the person I was rather than whom they wanted me to be.

“Lets face it, everyone tries o be strong and act like nothing ever goes bad in their life, but in reality we all struggle and need help once in a while...Its okay to cry, laugh and ask for help because no one is perfect!”

It is gratifying now that I feel more in a position to return some of that support that was given to me to others now I have finished my lay chaplaincy (hospital visitor) training – been DBS checked and picked up my badge - I am now going into the local hospital on Fridays.  Looking back I am a different person now than before being diagnosed with cancer and I have grown as a person.  

 "I was hungry and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.’ Hungry not only for bread — but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing — but naked for human dignity and respect.” ~ Mother Teresa

I was also asked looking back, who are you now?  Such a good question and I ask the same of myself “who am I”?  I don't regret my life not really, I wouldn't have my son but I can feel the guilt of not walking away from situations sooner.  Suffering from depression, and having breast cancer and all the tribulations associated with that have been valuable life lessons and which have taught me true compassion and empathy with others.  It has taught me that that you must make the best of life and the curveballs that it throws at you, not stressing too much about the little constant worries and that solution can be found for the larger ones.  Problems do eventually go away but then are replaced by different problems and over a stretch of time you forget why you worried in the first place. I have also learned that it’s ok to desire the material and luxurious things in life but it is the absolute necessities that matter more and there are much more important things then possessions. 

I look at the quote “the past does not define you” but in a way it does – it clouds your vision - and you really do need to face the past to move on pass it so the quote can become fact.

“Moving on doesn't mean forgetting things, but accepting what has happened to continue living”.

I do not know the person I was five years ago, and in some ways I am not quite sure of the person I am now either!  I do know however that I am a stronger person than I ever thought I could be, I know what I want to commit to and what my priorities are currently.  Everything else is wishful thinking.  I can only say that what has happened in what I call my “soap opera” life over the last five years is that I have survived and with the grace of God and Jerry springer it has led to where I am now and I have a certain measure of happiness, a sense of purpose, faith and confidence in myself which was not there before. 

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ― Haruki Murakami

Not that the article reflected all this! Why am I writing this now, well I had my consultants visit a couple of weeks ago  – the first year is up.  I can't say that I have been feeling great since Christmas and have been a little worried that my recovery was not going as well as it should.  But was told “what do you expect”!  Recovery can take years to get the energy you once had back and then there are the side effects of the pills I am taking and throw in the long winter and lack of vitamin D, I can join everyone else who seems to be tired, down and yucky at the moment.   There are no bumps or lumps so it’s see you in six months ……  At least it allayed some fears. 

“Where ever fear shadows…. that always means there is a light shining somewhere.” ~Jonathan Santos

You may think that everything should be hunky dory now, but as I said as one problem go away others replace them and at the moment this is financial difficulty.  I have been struggling quite a while with my finances, an accumulation of lots things and years but now including reduced hours at work, an ex-husband who can't pay child maintenance (sure he is working cash-in-hand though) and the increasing costs in everything else from council tax, utility bills to food.  I have tried borrowing myself out of it but that hasn't worked and at long last I am now tackling it very seriously.  I wouldn't mind if I had accumulated debt because I had carpeted my flat, brought a new flat screen TV, a tumble dryer, a shower unit, a new oven, a new laptop and went on holiday (all on my wish list) but it is just surviving day to day and I do realise that I am not the only one in this position.  I am not the best person at managing my money having always relied on an overdraft but this is no longer an option and in reality is a false status of affairs when it is a lot worse. I must admit I am sometimes sceptical of people who say they have no money when you are weighing up what food to buy to buying a new coat for your son rather than saying you can’t afford to go on holiday – but then I suppose that having no money means different things to other people to different degrees and to different worries and anxieties so I should not judge.  Well I have started tackling it already (and not without support I must add) having met with my bank branch manager, a friend who took me through debt management strategies and setting a new budget with goals - I can now sleep a little better knowing I am doing something about it rather than hiding my head in the sand.

“Debts are like children: the smaller they are the more noise they make.” -Spanish Proverb

What have I done/going to do?  Here are my top ten:

• Broke down all my current spending (including how much I spend on the cats) for the month and then looked at those figures and then the areas where I can spend less coming up with a budget that meets my incoming money. (There are obviously things like rent which you cannot reduce. Also try to identify amounts you spend on birthdays, Easter, Christmas –things that could be an outlay if needed, i.e glasses, holidays, and anything you may want to save up for, for me my carpets(!) and put this away in a savings account. I am saving a small amount currently through pay as you earn and it is paid out of my salary straight into a savings account so I don’t miss that money.  It may not be much but I broke down, for example, 50p per month for Easter which £6 per year which is about what I do spend on Easter eggs anyway.)  

• Changes my bank account to non-fee paying, took of the reserve and lowered my overdraf

• Moved my direct debits to come out of my account as near to my payday as possible. (This one and the above will ensure unnecessary banking charges do not come out of my account and by moving my direct debits within the first week of salary means a) they payments won't deferred incurring exorbitant  charges and I know exactly what I have to spend.)

• Spoke to your bank’s financial assistance line for advice. (This  is not the National Debt line but each bank have financial assistance advisor who can help you – for example in the next four months I will be able to consolidate my loan and by paying it over a longer term with a reduced interest rate I will have a little more monthly income. If you go to the retail personal banking they will probably offer you a loan at an inflated interest rate and even if you do say you are consolidating will not probably not be directed to financial assistance.  I wish I had known this before borrowing to get out debt last year!) do not speak to the retail side of the bank for personal loans go through to the financial assistance line first. )

• Having a payment diary – basically recording amounts to make sure I am keeping to the budget

• Online banking so you are reconciling your budget diary to your bank account (It’s really important to keep an eye on your accounts regularly and not waiting for monthly statements tending to hide from what money you have in your – which I have tended to do.)

• Setting up menu’s of meals and stock-taking exactly what I do have in my cupboards, freezer etc 

• On-line shopping for big shop and list on fridge of what needed in between and only getting those things when popping to the local supermarket. (Ok this might seem a bit onerous but the important thing is to stock up at the beginning of the month/or every two weeks taking a big chunk of the food and running of the household budget leaving some left for perishable items.  I do seem throw away food more than I should do and have been guilty of buying things I already have! – the important thing here is reduce my food budget by quite a lot so not to be tempted by other things in store just getting what is needed which is going to be quite hard for me because I like to shop and not online!)

• Cash not card – take out the cash for budget and do not use card  (Elementary take out the cash and keep within that cash amount you have taken out – don't take your card out with you on days out etc. so you only use the cash you have allocated yourself – again keeps you focussed!)

• Looking for better utility/broadband etc. deals (Ok I’m not having much luck at this one – but you may do so!)

“Some people use one half their ingenuity to get into debt, and the other half to avoid paying it.” -George Prentice

Of course there are other things like ensuring that you are getting the benefits you are entitled i.e. housing benefit, working tax credit and child tax credit to ensuring your tax code is correct and finding lost bank accounts.  There are also things like extreme couponing, saving “shrapnel” change and putting this into a savings accounting or taking it to the bank and exchanging for notes etc, making money on-line. You could sell gold, put items on Ebay and also sell branded/vintage clothes you will never wear again to local shops specialise in this.  I am watching Superscrimpers for ideas and I am sure that you all may have tip for me too which I would be very grateful to get!  Please do send.  One given recently never turn down a free meal or drink!

Anyway getting into debt has just been another worry and also to some extent came about due to having cancer – to be ill and face financial difficulties is a double whammy and would also advise you speak to McMillan as they are brilliant in this area. 

“Like any problem it’s just admitting there is one in the first place, getting help and taking action” 

Did I hear anyone say giving up smoking – well obviously that is on the list and pretty high up there too!  My son has also now getting a Saturday job, is making some money on Fivver on-line (Fivver is where people do things for $5 or what they call $5 per gig – paid into paypal – doing such things as infographics, editing videos or basically anything you can do for $5 and from his YouTube channel – so is making his own pocket money to buy those things he wants – he is even going to move his direct debits (only two of minimal amount) to his own paypal.  Later when his contract runs out on his mobile he is going to get his own and pay for his own contract too!  He’s learning budgeting too .......

“Don't tell me what you value, show me your budget, and I'll tell you what you value.” ― Joe Biden

Otherwise – I think I can say everything is hunky dory right now – although my son has signed me up to an online dating site so that might be another blog if I decide to be a little adventurous! Not really me though but it’s difficult to try to start dating again.  I do want someone in my life but I am very wary and well aware of the barriers I do put up. I also need to learn flirt again!  Any tips?

I have been out and about performing poetry again - and have done a lot of walking as will be doing Race for Life in June – although note - walking not running (the wimp I am!).

“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.” – Isak Dinesen

The past does not define you?

They say the past does not you define

Clouded vision, emotion confined

Repeating the same scene,

Over, and over, and over again

Poisoned forked-tongued serpent

Of heart in weeds entwined

Could it really have been different?

The past is gone

That cannot change

The future not designed

The justifying games we devise

The little ways we improvise

A consciousness self-awoken

Of the hidden and unspoken

A heart with burden aches

In vulnerability

Not to make the same mistake

Be aware, see the truth

Light up the darkness

To blinded invisibility

Don’t make a noise, keep the peace

Crows starving at the devious feast

Ripping and tearing at the despair

Of castles drawn in the air

Experience your defence

The heart that’s been deceived

Why do you keep up this pretence?

Give it a voice

Let out the rage

In yourself believe

Face the demons that contaminate your space

Put happiness and laughter in their place

Memories unhidden not forgotten but happened

Regrets unbidden, put away not saddened

There’s really is no mystery

To loving the person you’ve become

Just need to face all with honesty

You are who you are

I am who I am

And just keep on moving on

So what’s up Doc?

So many people I speak to at the moment seem to be depressed, tired and experiencing different minor ailments (including myself) and personally I think with the prolonged wintery conditions the lack of sunlight are making us all SAD! It’s amazing how just one sunny day lifts all our spirits and the feeling of wellbeing.

“Such a feel good factor looking up at the sky with that lovely fiery ball of warmth amongst the clouds that makes any day feel so much better.”

Our human body was designed to be exposed to sunlight on a frequent basis. We evolved, after all, under the natural sun so being deprived of it can be problem.   

“I’m coming out of the shadows; I'm coming into the light. I'm stepping out in the sunshine, cos it’s the end of the night.” Calvin Harris quotes 

Now I know that SAD is a serious condition for those who suffer from it, and I don’t want to belittle it here and Seasonal Affective Disorder can be applied inaccurately to the normal shift to lower energy levels in winter- but with the late spring this year and lack of sunlight it can make us all sleep too much, have little energy and feelings of being just down and unwell - and the answer to this is may well be that we are becoming vitamin D deficient.

“A cloudy day or a little sunshine has as great an influence on many constitutions as the most recent blessings or misfortunes.” Joseph Addison

Did you know that studies have shown that between 60% and 90% of people with SAD are women? It’s true. If you are a female between 15 and 55, you are more likely to develop SAD – as if we don't have enough to contend with!

“Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.” Luther Burbank

People who are at a higher risk of  being vitamin D deficient include pregnant and breastfeeding women, young children, older people, darker-skinned people, those who wear whole-body coverings, those living in institutions, skin cancer patients and those of us who avoid the sun – so that includes my teenager then!

“Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.”  ~John Denver

The jury however is out on precisely how vitamin D deficiency can affect us but it has been attributed to:  

• Lowered immunity and being more susceptible to colds, skin infection, staph infections and respiratory tract infection
•  Tooth loss, oral infections and gum disease
•  Nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, and increase of appetite
•   Joint pain, low back pain, knee pain
•  Sleep problems depression, low energy and forgetfulness
•   Insulin resistance

It has also been suggested that low vitamin D levels are associated with a higher risk of certain cancers and (according to reports on the NHS website) although this has been proven true with regard to bowel cancer, the evidence is limited for breast cancer, non-existent for prostate cancer and too sparse for other cancer types to draw firm conclusions. But sunshine does raise our spirits of well being and I don't know about you but I notice people smile more, it encourages us to be out of doors breathing in the fresh air, exercising and may make us think of eating a better diet – and all  this is healthy in itself.  It a gloomy day today, cold and a fluttering of snow and all I want to do is stay indoors and hibernate!

“Anyone's life truly lived consists of work, sunshine, exercise, soap, plenty of fresh air, and a happy contented spirit.” Lillie Langtry

Five forms of vitamin D has been discovered, vitamin D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5. The two forms that seem to matter most to humans are D2 and D3.  If you do have the symptoms above, or even a mix of them, it may be worth asking your doctor for a blood test to check your Vitamin D levels and rather than being prescribed high-profit prescription drugs that merely mask symptoms and do not address the underlying causes of being deficient in Vitamin D. Note: I am not medically trained but the research that is being done on vitamin D and the implications of being deficient is growing every day and of course there are also free and alternative treatments available that can raise your Vitamin D intake.

“Where there is sunshine the doctor starves.”  ~Flemish Proverb

Firstly Vitamin D is not absorbed – our bodies make it. From springtime onwards it is recommended that about 15 to 30 minutes on your arms and legs two to three times a week is enough to raise your vitamin D and wellbeing levels (noting that complete cloud cover halves the energy of ultraviolet rays and in the shade reducing it by 60 percent).  Of course exposing yourself to sunshine has its own risk and it is impractical to offer a one-size-fits-all recommendation for the amount of sun exposure that we all need to make sufficient vitamin D, but regularly going outside for a matter of minutes around the middle of the day without sunscreen should be enough with sun exposure being little and often. The more the skin is exposed the greater the chance of us making sufficient vitamin D before burning.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, and drink the wild air.”

Amazingly, if we achieve a sufficient supply of vitamin D in the summer, for most of us that is enough to last until the spring.  But looking out of my window despite being spring it’s very cold and snowing and it doesn't look as if the sun is coming out any day soon either! During winter months (particularly in the UK) there is not enough UVB for vitamin D synthesis and we rely on the Vitamin D that is stored in our tissue from the spring and summer months.  The only thing I can say right now is if the sun does come out it would be good if you had the opportunity to go out and soak up some of those rays whenever you can!

“A light wind swept over the corn, and all nature laughed in the sunshine.” Anne Bronte

Vitamin D also is found in oily fish (including salmon, trout and sardines) and eggs being the main natural sources, but also liver, meat, fortified milk and cod liver oil, fortified foods such as orange juice with calcium and vitamin D, margarine and other fat spreads, breakfast cereals and curiously mushrooms.   

“A morning without orange juice is like a day without sunshine.”

Vitamin D supplements can also be taken, although it is advised not to take more than 25 micrograms a day, as intakes from supplements above this amount could be harmful.  The Government recommended dose is that people at risk of low sun exposure should take a 10 microgram supplement of vitamin D a day (7 micrograms a day for children aged 6 months to 5 years)

“When my heart is heavy, the sun helps make it light.” ~Terri Guillemets

The next best thing to natural sunlight is high-intensity, full-spectrum lighting, which is available from various light boxes and seasonal affective disorder treatment devices. These are essentially very bright lights that radiate some of the same frequencies as the natural sun directly onto your skin (and into your eyes) which has a similar effect for storing Vitamin D.  Using light therapy has shown to be effective but must be used for a certain amount of time daily, continuing throughout the dark winter months.  You may experience some mild side effects, such as headaches, eyestrain, or nausea but light therapy users say that the side effects are temporary and subside with time. The best time for light therapy is in the early morning. (If used late at night, it could cause insomnia) and you should have your eyes open and face the light during therapy (not staring at the light directly but simply face the light, eyes open.)

“Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.”

Some of you may think that sunbeds are a good source of a Vitamin D top up and although any exposure to UVB radiation can increase vitamin D levels as sunbed use is accompanied by a high frequency of sunburns linked to a higher risk of melanoma - using sunbeds is probably not such a good idea.

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather. John Ruskin”

Finally, whatever your thoughts right now – I just wish that Sun would just make an appearance and shine on us all, particularly in the UK - I am sure we would all be much happier, lighter in spirit and begin to feel much healthier (although being the fickle people we are am sure then we will have different problems to contend with– sunburn, moans that it’s too hot, water hose ban and the longing of rain!) but remember instead of staying stuck in doors on your computers or for other reasons if you are able try to just get a few minutes of the rays of sunshine each day. I have to be careful in the sun for two reasons; one because I have a slight allergy to the sun ever since I became diabetic so on extra sunny days I take an allergy tablet before going on a day out and secondly because of the radiation treatment undertaken last year and do not want to get sunburn. Also for me it may mean that I will have to chuck my teenager out of the house on the sunny days to ensure that he gets his quota of sunshine and Vitamin D as well for the year – don't expect that to be easy!

“When the sun begins to shine

at the blessed springtime

From the winter days of gloom

Its healthy growing rays

As each flower begins to bloom

Happiness levels raised

Well-being refreshed anew

Welcoming smiles of how do you do?

And please stay a little while

At least to the afternoon

Letting us reconcile

Whistle to another tune”

                                               (Belinda Federl)

Parenting our digital children – social networking

So I have been told by my son that I need to blog more and I say “yes” but thinking only if you let me have the laptop so I can do it!  Some of the lack of blogging has been finding time itself.  I knew life was going to speed up at the end of January but not quite as much as it did and so much that I have found that I have been overdoing it once again and have been getting tired with the desire to do absolutely nothing but be still and quiet and just potter.  Sometimes I wonder if I am having depressive moments other times I wonder if it is something more because ow is the time to celebrate as I am officially a year out of all cancer treatment!  So why am I feeling this way and want to get lost in Facebook games. May be its just this time of year when the weather is cold, there is lack of sunlight but whatever it is I have had to drop a few things not only that I have some time for myself but also to be there for my son.  Teenagers are funny animals they stay stuck in their bedrooms all night perhaps saying very little to you but they still want you around for them and right now as I am writing this blog he is trying to tell what to do with my blog – and then gets upset because I don’t respond – it’s not my way of multitasking!

“Many people feel they must multi-task because everybody else is multitasking, but this is partly because they are all interrupting each other so much.”  Marilyn Vos Savant

It’s becoming evident that sharing a laptop is not working out that well between my son and I and a better arrangement needs to be made at least allowing me more time on it.  Ideally it would be good to get another laptop so he has one all of his own but it’s not that easy.  He was brought an Xbox for a birthday present last year to enable to give me more time on the laptop – but as well as playing games on his Xbox he actually doing more on designing and creating his own You Tube Channel, recording, creating videos, blogs, updating his own website and using twitter to plug!  That’s fine and dandy and I am proud of his skill, creativeness and entrepreneurial spirit but that means I get even less time on the laptop to do the very basic things I want to do. He needs his own computer to be able to do all this, and after spending a week of work experience at a local media design company he realizes that needs an Apple Mac – in fact everything Apple.  Living on a budget does not allow me to easily buy anything but the necessities at the moment especially, since I am also now not getting child maintenance either which has curtailed my budget even more. 

“Before you become too entranced with gorgeous gadgets and mesmerizing video displays, let me remind you that information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, and wisdom is not foresight. Each grows out of the other, and we need them all.” - Arthur C. Clarke 

Technology just changes so fast that I am unable to keep up with it but my son can and his future is going to very much depend on how he can use technology to his own advantage.  Hopefully his You Tube Chanel will enable him to make some pocket money!  Washing cars is too much effort and not lucrative enough these days as you can now get it done already at the local garage for a fiver!

"Gaming is almost like the scientific method. You get your quest, you form a hypothesis, you try it out, you encounter challenges and you draw conclusions."

My son had his first Facebook page aged 11 and - I know that may raise some eyebrows -, at the same time ensured I had his password and was a “friend” and indeed at 15 I still have access and I will now again question some posts.  In these days of technology and peer pressure you can't stop children creating a Facebook or networking page at friends’ homes, even at the local library, and you may not know they have access to FB or any other networking site. My son is that kind of child – his thirst for technology started early and if I disallowed a FB page at home he would have created one anyway in another way.  You have to be 13 to have a FB account - but that doesn't take account of those who lie about their age to get one which FB can't do anything about. When I agreed that my son could have a FB account at 11 we went through the rules of networking and I was glad he had an account that I was aware of and monitoring than going behind my back.  There are disadvantages on technology but a least I know where he is, what he is doing - which would be different if he was out on the streets every evening and where weirdo's could be met that are far more dangerous than on the net. There is another question I would add here - how many of you let your children play games not age appropriate, watch films or listen to the news?

“Technology is the knack of so arranging the world that we do not experience it.”

There are so many dangers in this world and my son is well aware of them including the dangers of technology as I made sure that he was.  You can't wrap you children in too much cotton wool and I shudder at some of things I was doing at my son's age and younger like playing on a school building site, and in some cases hanging out with some quite unsuitable people and tricky situations which my parents never knew about. In some ways children are much more naive than I was as a teenager despite all the knowledge at their fingertips - they are not necessarily getting the opportunities of the life experiences that we had growing up. Families are so much more fragmented than years ago and contact with them is important – technology allows this.  Children live in a digital world where as parents we have come to it second-hand having had different freedoms than our children. Where once I was taught not to accept sweets from strangers I think this concept also needs to be taught on Facebook and other networking sites more rigorously by parents and educators, as well as respect and awareness and the understanding of privacy.  As parents one of our main jobs are to prepare our children for the adult world they will eventually live and interact in and thus wouldn't it be better that we help our children have the necessary skills by teaching them earlier of this digital world they live in? Technology is not something we can ignore for our kids. 

“In times of radical change the learners inherit the earth while the learned find themselves perfectly equipped for a world that no longer exists. “Erik Hoffer

Most children today are better at surfing the Internet or using a smartphone than swimming or making their own breakfast. Five-year-old children are able to Google when they want to know something. We allow our children to go to after-school school clubs to help them to become better musicians, athletes, actors, artists. Just think how we might broaden their experience even more by guiding our children towards the tools and communities online that can help them learn the skills they most want to master.

“The digital world, it's about finding things, making your life more efficient, enjoying things, rather than having them only live in the darkness of your hard drive”

For most children there’s never been a time in their lives when computers, digital video, cell phones, video games, the Internet and all the other digital wonders haven’t surrounded them. Constant exposure to digital media has changed the way our children process, interact and use information thus making communication fundamentally different.

“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”

Children are still children though. They have the same issues, the same insecurities, the same hurt feelings, the same immature ways of looking and thinking about things that we did but whereas we learned many of our social skills outside, on the street, in the park such as working in groups to solve problems, taking turns in leading and following, fighting and reconciling, negotiating all face-to-face the same cannot quite be said for our children of today.  Our communications were basic - one phone shared with the family,  long distance phone calls expensive; letters took days from the time they were sent to when they were received and even longer to be responded to. The Information we had was also limited. Radio and TV but not as many channels as we have today (although I still find that there is nothing I want to watch!) and we found other things to do like playing board games, going out. World events were something we read or heard about often long after they had taken place. Most of our information came from newspapers, magazines, books, encyclopedias, teachers and the library.

“Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet is given free access to the sum of all human knowledge.”  – Jimmy Wales, founder, Wikipedia

As a result of this changing world, parents today spend 40% less quality time with their children than parents did just 30 years ago for many different social reasons. The scarcest resource for many families today is not time but attention - with a consequent void in children’ lives that needs to be filled - technology has filled this gap.  It started years ago with the telephone, radio, and TV, and then progressed to videos and video games. Now it’s on-line gaming, email, surfing, on-line chatting, cell phones, blogging, texting, and a growing host of other digital experiences.  In this 24/7 world  the digital age has become the babysitter, a constant companion, and best friend. These devices enable their rooms to be filled with people, relationships, interactions and adventures that come through their computers, phones, and video games. As a result our children are equally as comfortable with virtual, screen-to-screen relationships as they are with face-to-face relationships.

"From the Stone Age, to the Industrial Age, to the Information Age, the rate of technological change has increased exponentially, and appears to continue to do so for the foreseeable future.  Our world is changed by new technical innovations every second of every day, and we struggle to deal with the negative impacts on society, as well as reap the great benefits of technological innovation. " - Mr. Silverman

 Children today take for granted that they can view world events as they occur and see history in the making. They watched the collapse of the World Trade Center  the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, and disasters such as the Sumatran tsunami, the eruption of volcanoes  floods and starvation, it’s in real time and the notion of time and distance means a different thing to all of us in this now global world.  Children have instantaneous access to literally every museum in the world, views and opinions, and answers to their questions.  They also have instant access to friends, games, music, movies, shopping, cheat sheets, and tens of thousands of online sites and even now my son plays his Xbox games and shares his You Tube Channel across the world where he is building up new and interesting relationships.

“I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up linked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!” George Catlin

My son told me today that as grows older he will keep up with all new technology and he probably will but then went on to say that he would different to where I was now bridging the gap from being brought up in a low tech world to his digital word.  But there again hasn't it been the same for many decades where there has always been a gap to bridge between our children and parents?  Teenagers are apt to have their own language from the “groovy” to the “cool” to the “sick”. Just try this quiz and see just what I mean: Test Your Teen Slang - http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/parenting-tips/test-teen-slang-quiz

Digital children have a completely new and digital language and different set of skills than the ones we have and value. New research is inferring that because of pervasive digital bombardment and the new emergence of the digital landscape the brains of our children have and continue to change physically and chemically – children are actually neurologically wired differently than from our generation. They have developed what is called a cultural brain.  They access, absorb, interpret, process and use information in such a way that it effects the way they view, interact, and communicate because of their experiences with digital technologies.

“My Dad always gets really annoyed at me when we watch TV together as he says that I should only do one thing at a time, rather than 100 things at a time. It is not that bad, yes I am on Facebook, texting my friends, chatting to people, gaming, browsing the Internet, looking at YouTube clips, but I am still watching the show” (14yr old boy)

I can relate to that quote above on the dad’s side – it is annoying!

It can be a scary digital world out there for us parents and somehow we need to be able to leverage our children’s digital lifestyle to help them become better and more engaged, and more independent. We need to know what sites they are accessing, and show some interest on what they are doing, teach them internet safety (although I sometimes think my son knows a lot more about this than I actually do!) and be open that they can come and talk to you about any problems they are having – if you can have access to passwords and become a friend on networking sites as well that would be good as well although I wouldn't advise that probing or commenting too much unless it becomes a concern – eg. Cyber-bullying.  It’s quite easy to also look at internet history so you can see what sites your children are accessing – giving yourself administration rights to computers. For younger children a parental filter can be set up.   If your children are accessing sites you disapprove then a conversation would be good.  Remember many a teenage boy has hidden a mag under his bed before now and yes I have explained to my son why I am not keen on them!  Banning and restricting sites for older children can be counterproductive as they can always go elsewhere to find the information they want. 

“If we want to prepare them for the world that awaits them - unfold their full intellectual & creative genius  - and want to help them prepare for their future, not our past - for their future, not our comfort zone - we must create a bridge between their digital world and ours within families and schools.”

And yes while writing this there are  battles to be fought with my digital teenager – like the amount of time he spends in front of a screen – sure it’s not good for him  there is a life outside a screen and sharing the laptop with me so I can write my own blogs and poetry and of course play my own Facebook games!

“We and our children live in amazing times, remarkable times, and overwhelming times and our time is not measured in terms of centuries, or decades but in years and sometimes months, weeks, days and hours. We live in a moment in history where change has become so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it’s already disappearing into the past. “

Are you going to resolve to be happy in 2013?

First of all an apology to all those who follow my blog because I haven’t blogged for a while, there is no real reason to this but that I am now on another journey through recovery and my blog has evolved, and although my breast cancer is always in the back of my mind it is no longer ruling and controlling my life as it once did. 

“Moving into the next phase of your life is a lot like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let-go at some point in order to move forward.”

I keep putting off having prosthetic “Phil” being fitted but it has been ordered in and will have it by the end of next week so breast cancer in a way is still a headline for the New Year.  I am looking out for sales on new bras now that my only two white ones which I used with “sponge bob” are getting a bit boring!  I made a mistake of throwing out my old bras but could have fitted a pocket into – hindsight is a good thing.

My next Consultant visit is in February and what has surprised me is that I have not had another scan since treatment has stopped – I had somehow expected to have one and I must ask my consultant why this isn't so  because it would so much put my mind at rest if I did.  I suppose that it is all good news that I don’t?  One year of taking the pills – four more to go!

I still get very tired at times so I know that I haven’t fully recovered but my energy levels and resolve is so much better, amazingly so and I have carved out a different life for myself after cancer that is more fulfilling, fun, hopeful and more importantly calm! I’m not saying life isn't chaotic, full of ups, downs and confusion and disappointments but serenity of mind and happiness are concepts that are more real and have more meaning to me than ever before and being grateful for what I do have rather than what I haven’t a better way to finding happiness.

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.” – Denis Waitley

I hope that you all had a good Christmastide and more importantly - if ill the hope of brighter things to come and those who are grieving (and I know quite a few people who are right now) moments of happiness and good memories, understanding and the support that you need. 

I wrote a poem about last Christmas (at bottom of this blog) but I can certainly say that my Christmas was so different than last year’s!  The build-up, the warmth and the love around me so tangible and which was so missing last year has made up for it.  As I adore everything about Christmas I was so relieved as well!  The only person I had to try and infuse the Christmas spirit into was my 14 year old who also remembered last Christmas so well and it tinged this one with its memories.  He has anger in him that has not been fully resolved but I think with his granddad around and quality time with me did in the end give him what he needed to enjoy Christmas again. Laughter and love there is nothing like it. 

“Sit with someone special in a room lit only by Christmas tree lights and remember that our blessings outnumber the lights”. - Author Unknown

What will this New Year bring?  I am making one resolution only and that is “to take better care of me so I can take better care of others”.  This encompasses so many things, trying to give up smoking (again!), diet, exercise, meditation, fulfillment in giving back, following my dreams, growing spiritually and challenging myself and the way I react to a changing circumstances and a moody angst  but tremendous teenager! Having the one resolution means also I can take my time and not set myself up for failure at the outset which is what often happens with mine and many others’ resolutions! 

January brings birthdays for both me and my son – last year I had a major hypo and also fell down and broke my ankle the day after my birthday so will be extra careful this year!  This year I will be starting my training to become a hospital visitor with the Chaplaincy – a ten week Saturday morning course, have a major meeting for a community project, and resumption of poetry groups and performance – so it’s a busy month ahead.

Later in the year I hope to obtain two second hand bikes and start cycling again – me and my son – and meeting up with some of the cycling community, start swimming as have the right “boob” to do it, improve my living environment, write a book (yes a book!) and an outlet for all my emotions either through blogging, poetry, meditation, laughter  (still thinking of doing a laughter workshop) – I am also being encouraged in thinking of setting up a single parents group again which was put on the back-burner when diagnosed with cancer or a maybe a breast cancer support group in my area of which there is nothing and more quality time with my son (which I think will be the hardest thing to do as neither he or I know what that means now he is at the age he is at).  I will become a great aunt for the first time (that does sound old!), go to Italy to see Daniel’s dad’s side of the family which he needs to badly do (and the Italian family have offered to pay for our flights) and finally I hope to find a partner by a consequence of improving confidence in myself and all of the above – I am not the only one around me that wants this one so I think we will be joining forces on this quest!  

So many plans, dreams, hopes, action and achievements – and who knows where I will be this time next year (hopefully not with a cold and cough as now) but with all its opportunities and not knowing what is round the corner it’s exciting to think about!

The main thing though is that I am happy simply being who I am, stronger, calmer and more hopeful and in some ways it’s having cancer that has lead me here.  

What are the things I learned about myself during this year through change and circumstances and which wisdom will bring into this year?

“Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it”.  It’s the way you react to life that matters, your attitude to the disappointments, the negative things that happen.

Even if life may knock you down, by being grateful you find reasons, if even small ones, to get up and start again. Don’t react in anger – step away from the situation and consider your reaction or you could be in danger of doing something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.

Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” Nothing lasts for ever even the bad times, and that you can grow and learn through them too for a realization of something better even if you keep making the same mistakes eventually you realize that they are.

“Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Happiness is a choice.  Life isn't about pleasing everybody.” If you can cut out the negative people out of your life who don’t appreciate you, encourage you or make you happy or at least keep them at a distance.

“When someone tells you, “ You've changed,” it might simply be because you've stopped living your life their way.” Don’t let people tell you how you should be living, what you are doing wrong and that you are a bad person because you have your own opinions and believe in a different way of living or bringing up your children – listen to and take advice by all means but make sure it’s because it suits you - however listening to and believing in negative criticism is another thing altogether. Whoever you are you are person of value and you need to believe in yourself, and make your own choices rather than believe in what others tell you – only you know what is right for you.

“If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him.”  Life isn't fair but that doesn't mean that you should not be fair to yourself or to others and become bitter because of the unfairness of life. 

“If you tell the truth, it becomes a part of your past.  If you lie, it becomes a part of your future.”  Another’s person truth may not be your own version but if they lie then they have to live with the consequences of that lie, the loss of trust and the regrets that comes with it.

“Life becomes easier once you learn to accept an apology you never got” – this is a quote I only found today. It is better to move on then dwell on the past – easier said than done but if you know you are never going to get an apology let it go it’s not worth waiting for one and getting angry.  People these days would rather justify to themselves that they have done nothing wrong and find excuses not to apologize so it turns out to be a war of words that just causes more hurt and anger.  To go with this is that you should never have to apologize or back down for anything you feel you have not done wrong nor have responsibility for just to make life easier.  This is a tricky one but mutual understanding is the only way to resolve this and it may be that on both sides things have been said or done that haven’t been right and it is about trying to find a neutral and middle ground. Good communication is the key but you can’t do anything if the communication is full of condemnation and hurtful.

“It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, who accept you for who you are and would do anything to make you smile and love you no matter what that means the most. “  I am so grateful for the family, friends and colleagues around me who do exactly this and this is a huge thank you to them.

“It’s a miracle to have single friend who will stand by your side when others are against you.”

The best thing you can do for yourself, for others and a poke in the eye for those who put you down is to be as happy as you can - and my definition of happiness:  pleasure, engagement, and meaning involving both daily positive emotions and a global sense that life is worthwhile. Grateful for what you have in life - if you have enough food to eat, shelter over your head, friendship and love there is richness in your soul.

I wish you all a happy and hopeful New Year.

Last Christmas

I tried, I really did try to find that spark that special Christmas feeling to ignite

And pretended for the sake of others, painting on a smile

Making the best of it as I could for a while

But not managing to fool anyone

I woke up early put on the fire, blearily eyed as usual

Opened up the stockings presents those silly gifts of affection

Even then I couldn’t pretend to give it my attention

 I gave my son a robot to build hoping it would absorb him

And it did as I slept and hid myself away

On that last Christmas day

I awoke at each telephone call wishing me happy Christmas

With platitudes that I was happy, an emotion I couldn’t evoke

I pulled a cracker and even cracked a joke

Dressed for lunch with such a silly hat

All conversation went over my head I couldn’t comprehend

Couldn’t bear that Christmas fare eating was chore

Tasting like the ripped up wrapping paper strewn across the floor

My eyes drooped in fatigue

Again I slept and hid myself away

On that last Christmas day

I arose to watch Dr Who wrapped in a blanket on the sofa

I began to doze again, kept nodding off and waking

In chemo sickness there is no point in faking 

My son morosely remarked that this Christmas was different

And I felt a kindred spirit with those on Christmas day

Who are alone, old, distressed, grieved, depressed in any way

With hidden dreams of what Christmas should be

Yet in of this I was still thankful still grateful

As I slept and hid myself away

On that Last Christmas Day

My Blog

I have been thinking about my blog over the last couple of weeks after being told that it appeared to be written to “engender sympathy”.  I consequently went through everything thing I have posted over the last year and a half and double-checked it.  So this blog is about an update on my blog!

I started my blog when I had long stretches at home recovering from operations and chemo treatment for breast cancer. At that time I also went into breast cancer forums and websites where people were going through the same sort of thing at different stages to me. Doing this gave me lots of information, a sense of some of the issues people have with cancer treatment not just symptomatically but also emotionally, financially, and other practical issues, and gained a certain level of comfort that my problems and feelings were very similar to others and that it was my attitude, how to stay positive and acceptance of having cancer that would make a difference despite knowing how ill I would get and did get.

 I made a conscious decision to share my life while going through one of the hardest things I have ever faced and with that came an outflow of emotion. The blog enabled me to come to terms with my past, present and possible future and as most articles I had seen about blogging agreed that to do so was a very healthy and positive thing I carried on with it. 

Now after a year and a half later, I have had over 3,770 views of my 58 blogs across the world including the UK ,US, Italy, Germany Latvia, Singapore, Israel, Russia , and many more (although not as many countries as my son with his You Tube Channel!)  – And over 1,130 following on Twitter.  It’s not a huge audience and I know there are other outlets I can use to make more accessible if I put some financial backing into it, but I have had enough messages, comments and contacts resulting from the  blogs to satisfy me that I am doing a positive thing, and in some small way have helped other people – it is amazing that there is such a medium that can let you reach and connect to other people in your same situation in so many different countries with such diversity sharing, support, love and sometimes action.

I try also to take a subject near to my heart, study it relating it to my own life – hence “The Teenage Brain” and “Anger” trilogies.  I have a teenager and have heard others moan and groan about theirs and became fascinated by the latest scientific discoveries that the teenage brain is different to a child’s and adults and thus how you can better parenting skills to adjust to this.  Anger because I had a lot harbouring inside of me and knowing that it is unhealthy to keep it inside you without expressing it – and one of the best comments I received from this was from a friend in London who said thank you because it had helped her realise that she did have permission to be angry and it was how she handled and going to tackle it that mattered.

 And then there are the others such as to the “nature of Love and “Where do you get your Hope from” (which included spirituality) – both of which is connected to recovery of cancer and everyday life.

Some are cancer specific blogs - “What to do and say (and not to say) if someone has cancer”.  This was great one to do because it is one of the biggest discussions and comments made on the different forums I accessed and people can become very sensitive at this time with thoughtless remarks.  My sister and I had one of the most moving conversations we have ever had with regard to this blog (that also brought us closer) although I have a bit of tougher hide and realise that most thoughtless comment are not meant to be as the cancer sufferer may hear them coming from love and concern and perhaps partly out of ignorance, and that most of the comments made were really quite funny. 

Related to that blog was “Is there a Cancer Personality” and “Did I get Cancer because of Stress” which came out from a desire to look particularly in these areas from my past and put down a note of the studies that had been undertaken into layman terms.   For this blog I liaised with a “Cancer Coach” in Scotland who was also a doctor, whose wife was suffering from cancer, extensively studying this side of Cancer and writing a paper on it.  He gave me some very good feedback from the two blogs I did and also received interest from others studying this aspect after it was published.  This also led for a request for a “Guest blog” on my blog on the importance of exercise. 

The most popular blogs to date are: 

“Keep the World laughing” which was about looking at the proven health benefits of laughter and the nature of what makes us laugh.  This blog was to some extent a testament to my father and followed a poem I specially wrote for him for Father’s Day – I had great fun doing this one and learnt something when writing it as well.  

 “Don’t suffer in silence” was in a response to being asked to submit something on my experience of domestic abuse and sharing this with a support website in the hopes of raising awareness and encouraging others who are in abusive situations to take courage not to suffer  in silence and seek help and support.  In this I wrote my story and poem “Empty Shell”.

“Let the Sunshine in” is about the importance that the sun has to our health and attitude to life followed by “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood” and these came about a) because I was enjoying the benefits of a new flat where the sun streamed through the windows while in recovery and remembering days on the beach as a child, riding my bike through country roads and how carefree and innocent life seemed then, and it’s a shame to lose that wonderment of childhood. 

 “I am thankful for” is looking at whatever is happening in your life there is so much to be thankful for – people, experiences and some things which seem small and inconsequential when part of a bigger picture gain importance and you realise that you are thankful for them.

 Finally the blog on “Eradicating Bob is Scary” which was written after my first consultation I had before starting chemo has seemed to be one of the most helpful – perhaps it’s because it has a shopping list of things needed in it when commencing treatment!

However, the blogs I am most proud of our “Pictures of Life” which is a spiritual piece and funnily enough “Polly Wolly Doodle” – all about when my taste buds started disappearing and when soup became a staple of my diet although this blog has had only 7 views!

All my blogs have been deliberately full of hope and positively – I am generally that kind of person anyway but even I need some convincing now and again - to moving forward from recovery and starting to feel that I am living and having control back of my own life again from forced circumstances.

My blog has also led me in unexpected areas of opportunity to meeting many interesting people, writing poetry and performing,  from being my own therapist and realising that I am a much stronger person than I first thought, and having the confidence to tackle most things and face problems as calmly and diplomatically as possible.  I hope that next year I will attempt to write some short stories or maybe even put my blog into a book with all its quotes and poetry too.  Out of a total of 58 blogs 8 of them may have been  a little more specific than they should of have been–however every word said, every emotion expressed was true and have not been  nasty or spiteful in any way.

You may gather from this that I have received some criticism and all I can say is that my blog has not been about gaining sympathy, or that it has been aimed at one person or one situation, it’s been about my own survival and yes perhaps a little self-indulgent at times and helping others .

 I am not going to stop blogging.  I have other subjects that I want to have a look at in depth such as kindness, compassion, addiction and further on the menopausal and chemo brain – Christmas and New Year is also coming up again and this is poignant time for many people - and of course the snapshots of my life (who knows what is around the corner) and poetry - it will just be a little less specific in some areas than it has been before. 

As I wrote in my  blog of May this year:-  “When I was diagnosed with cancer and had so much time on my hands my blog also came a way to help me get through a tough and deliberating time.  I opened up my the hopes, grief, anger and mixed up feelings in my life to my friends, family and others in the hopes that by sharing I wouldn’t just be helping myself come to terms with having cancer, but also may be help others on their own personal cancer journeys and that we all sometimes share common feelings, troubles and thoughts.  I wanted my blog to be truthful, light-hearted in some ways, as positive as possible and informative where necessary and full of quotes that had meaning to me at the time of blogging and hopefully they would also resonate with those reading my blogs.  I am proud of what I have achieved through my blog and where it has taken me on my journey and I will never allow others to tell me differently.”

A cold night

Written for Uncanny – 9^th November 2012 - Foresters

Cold night

The wind blowing chilly,

Leaves dancing within a swirling whirlwind rustle

on the damp night time air

She shivered and huddled further deeply

within her comforting warm coat,

Hands in her pockets, shoes clipping along the pavement

Head down, focussed on her journey not trying to care

Hurry, hurry she was late, her thoughts panicked, and a frown

Hovered across her wrinkled brow.

How had she got here, how had she arrived,

Where was she going now?

She glanced behind her, not knowing what she would see

But the darkened shadows under lighted street lamps

Weaving round the baroness of the looming trees

A quiver tingled down her spine

This was not where she should be,

This was not her time

But she had to keep on going, keep moving forward

Forgetting the past, nothing ever lasts

She blocked out the grief, her unbelief

Blighted by her darkening spirit, despairing soul

Her very self - hidden in a deep black hole

Chased by memories creeping, catching up behind her

Lost in the blinding foggy mist her mind a blur

She didn’t want to remember, desperate not to recall

Those precious sacred moments before her downfall

The struggle, the fight to keep on hanging on

Her weakness letting her down, she wasn’t strong

With every stroke of that bloodied knife

Wielding, yielding, cheated

 Slipping away from life

And yet she kept on walking not knowing what she was heading for

A ghostly form doomed to wander our deadened streets for ever more.