Thursday, 19 April 2012

I AM THANKFUL FOR …..

A couple of weeks ago I was sent an email called “I Am Thankful”, the statements both made me laugh but also made me think how we all get so wrapped up with the frustrations of life without noticing or really realising what we actually have and the one of many strengths having cancer has given me is that of being thankful for what I have got.   So I thought I would share the text of THE email with you all and am making it the focus of this blog.

During Easter I was so thankful again for all the kindness that has come my way, all the housewarming cards, gifts and friendship but mainly also that I don’t now have to visit my consultant until October – I am officially in remission - yeah! 
Along with the Spring I seem to be blossoming - spouting hair everywhere (especially my legs which I now need to shave!) and I feel that I am coming back to life.  The laughter comes more easily, am making plans rather than standing still and more active (helps that I am off my crutches and moon boot now – although can’t run for a bus yet!).   It’s novel, exhilarating but also disconcerting.  I feel so thankful that I have just come through the treatment, but and there is always a but, there is still a small fear in the back of my mind that it’s not over yet and I know that I will be more fearful as October approaches. With every muscle pain I have I judge if it’s just that and put it out of my mind that it could be something else: I am so aware of my scar from the op, the tightness and dryness of the skin and the small rash that flares up in the area now again from the radiotherapy; my nails although growing are full of ridges; my feet look so absolutely awful that I am embarrassed to go to a chiropodist!  I carry on using my Aqueous Cream but wonder if there is something better out there other than E45 cream.  The most noticeable change is that I now have hair and the urchin look seems to suit me (although my son says I have sideburns (!) and it’s not quite long enough to colour yet).

It’s been a year from diagnosis today and what a long year it has been, such a personal emotional journey. I am still weary now and again and I think most of this is just coming to terms of what I have been through.  After five years I know I will be able to relax!, and living and blocking out the fear of the return of cancer will be very much part of my life over that period of time and for which reason I am not going to make any long-term plans for the future – just letting life wash over me and immersing myself with doing normal daily activities, getting back to work, creating a new home and a renewed social life is good enough for me now.
I am thankful:
  • For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else.
  • For the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.
  • For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes because it means they are at home, not on the streets
  • For the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
  • For the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends
  • For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
  • For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine
  • For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
  • For all the complaining i hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.
  • For the parking spot i find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and I have been blessed with transportation.
  • For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.
  • For the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means I can hear.
  • For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
  • For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.  
  • For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive
  • And finally, for too many e-mails ........ because it means someone is thinking of me.

I know it’s hard to be thankful when living with hardship, relationship problems and illness; silly frustrations can easily overwhelm you.  Easter in the past has always been a time of revelation for me in one way or another and I truly believe that by being thankful, despite having problems, it can wrap around your heart allowing optimism and hope to sustain you.   The Easter period is all about thankfulness as well as forgiveness and while the flowers grow the trees blossom and the renewal of life is all around you it enables a time of reflection and the will to be able to start afresh.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”  - Marcel Proust

“Appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts.” - Alan Cohen

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses”. - Alphonse Karr

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” - Willie Nelson

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” - The Buddha

“If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.”  - Rabbi Harold Kushner in the essay "God's Fingerprints on the Soul", Source: Handbook for the Soul

“Be thankful that God's answers are wiser than your answers.”  -  William Culbertson

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Don’t Stop Me Now!

Well three weeks ago I was moaning about time going by so slowly but then wow(!) I felt  like a car engine that has been turned on but instead of spluttering into life zoomed away at 100 miles an hour!!  Now at last I am slowing down a bit although still have lots to do.  It’s almost as if I have suddenly been given a new lease of life and I am now waking up with a smile on my face looking forward to the days ahead rather than at the recent past and letting go of the stress and drama that has gone with it.

And why is this, well at last I have got myself a council property - just in time and right on the deadline!  The council gave me three months to find somewhere to live after the eviction notice negotiating with my landlord that I could live in his house as temporary accommodation during this period.  I rose up the council list very very slowly and thought I wouldn’t be able to find a place in time.  The deadline was the 12th of March, and I saw the property on the 9th of March – that was cutting it fine!  If I hadn’t had found somewhere the council would have chosen somewhere themselves for us to live sight unseen or put us in bed and breakfast in Ipswich (a town quite a distance from here.  To be fair the landlord would have been quite happy for me to stay longer in his house if necessary.  It’s not exactly what I was holding out for, a two bedroomed house with a garden, but a first floor two bedroomed flat which is spacious, light and well decorated with a brand new kitchen and a balcony where the sunlight just streams through as south facing in a reasonable location.  It’s just right for my son and me. 
The council however only gave me a weeks’ notice to move and for the tenancy to start.  Where was I to begin, I had so much to organise to sort out a move within a week  and really looking back I find it unbelievable that I managed to do it at all, and only on one leg as well!   My son and I started working through the house begging for empty boxes from local shops and packing as we went along.  Troops were mustered in to help, clearing the cellar, and the loft packing and transporting bits and pieces during the week (as managed to get keys as soon as signed contract) – many thanks to Source for all their help.  A member of the family with a van (with me just paying petrol money) other family and members of Source and friends helped out with the last bits of packing and transporting furniture and other boxes.  Gosh it was a whirlwind of a week with all the telephone calls I had to make as well let alone the moving day itself.  My son was at the flat directing where furniture and boxes were to go and I directed at the house providing bacon butties and cups of tea – luckily we were not moving too far away.   With strict instructions from the landlord to leave as little rubbish as possible, and ensuring the house was clean and tidy, I spent the rest of the move day and the Sunday cleaning and tidying up.  The house really echoed when we left – this house that had been my refuge when I really needed it but also a source of stress and family strife and although I was very glad to go it was emotional knowing that this house had seen me through divorce, depression and cancer but which also had enabled me to make valuable new friends and contacts within its community.   

Exhaustion still taking its toll after the cancer treatment, and my broken ankle (I am still a little fragile)  it took me a few days to get over the move but in fact it really went very smoothly thanks to all the help I had.  There will boxes of chocolates and thank you cards on their way to everyone who helped soon – I promise!
Since moving in I have had a washing machine plumbed in (thanks to my Aunt who found the washing machine at a very reasonable price), had housewarming presents of mugs, glasses, cutlery etc and some funds to buy a new double bed.  I have also had visits and lifts from friends and family to shops to research and get bits of pieces (you should have seen me whizzing around Tesco’s on their mobility scooter!).  My new neighbour found a second hand cooker for me from which transaction I have now made new friend. 

So it’s all coming together although unpacking boxes is a very slow process and carpeting the flat will take a while. Curtains and curtain rails are next on my list of must haves and there are many other things we could do with as well.  I don’t care right now how the flat looks because I know it will all look better and more homely soon.  I am just happy to wake up to the wonderful sunshine we are having at the moment with the breeze coming through the patio doors, and knowing this is my home which I don’t have to share with anyone else, don’t have to make any difficult compromises, never worrying about a landlord coming round and just letting themselves in without a warning of some kind first or to being grateful to anyone for having a place to live (except maybe the taxpayers!).   In a few months, having lower living costs, I hope be able to tackle some of my debts and also may be able collect on a PPI claim from my bank account while  I had cancer ( I will keep my fingers crossed for this but not have too much expectation).  With my hair growing again, my ankle healing, my mood happy and feeling so I more energised I feel that that the future is brighter and full of hope! This is the long yearned new beginning I have needed to start a new chapter in my life and to being my own person.
 My son is pleased with the location of the flat as is much nearer to his school and friends, although for me it will add another 15 or so minutes to my journey to work.  Ah yes work, well that’s another story as my broken ankle has prevented my return.  Typically I want to run before I can walk, but right now I can’t even walk properly!  Just a little bit more patience and soon time will move on and I will be back to work fulltime wishing I was on holiday!  I now have a moonboot and am slowly putting pressure on my ankle and going around on one crutch and indeed I reached a milestone today walking to the Co-Op and back with moonboot, one crutch and bag on other arm.  On Friday I see my physio.  In fact from Friday onwards I am on a roll of hospital appointments: going to the fracture clinic on Monday and seeing my breast cancer consultant on Wednesday (who I hope will just confirm that I am in remission – will let you know in next blog).  My son also has  a hospital appointment coming up for his SVT (rapid heartbeat) which has become more urgent after having an attack yesterday taking him 40 minutes for him to calm down and get his heart rate back to normal – this necessitated a trip to A&E.  When we got there we must have looked a right sight – me with my moonboot and crutches, with a light covering of hair looking worried and in pain from having to walk to the school, and my son pale and tired from the rapid heartbeat attack.  Luckily he is OK and we do have an appointment for him at the Royal Brompton in London at the end of April for further tests.

Just before moving out from the house, I had a great girly night of curry and singing Queen Songs and really I don’t think there is “no stopping me now”!

“I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me

I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you
Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time

Just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't wanna stop at all“

 I am forever grateful to my friends, family and acquaintances over the past three years- each have touched my life in a different and special way.  These people have seen me through tough times; have uplifted me when I have been down and seriously ill having made me a stronger, more compassionate and positive person than I was.  I hope that when I am healthy and well I can give a little back where I can and touch their lives and others I come across in the future in a special positive and good way as well.
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.” ― Gerard Way

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”  ― Ralph Waldo Emerson“

 “When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”  ― Paulo Coelho, Brida

 “Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough” ― Oprah Winfrey

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” ― Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

...... and finally I am trusing God that I am in the right place at the right time:

Almighty God, the fountain of all wisdom,
You know our needs before we ask,
And our ignorance in asking:
Have compassion on our weakness,
And give us those things
Which for our unworthiness we dare not,
And for our blindness we cannot ask,
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

The trouble about having time on your hands!

I have been asked why I haven't blogged recently and to be honest just for this moment in time I’m all blogged out!  I am not sure what to write about and not know how to it make it witty and meaningful.  Does anyone else ever feel like that about their blogs?  It’s probably because I am so frustrated just sitting at home waiting to get out of my plaster and be able to move again – moonboot on Monday!

 In one way time is going by so slowly and I just can’t wait for the time to go by, but in another way time is marching away far too fast.  My deadline for finding a new place to live is coming up and at last I am now going up higher up on the council list so I can actually go and view a few places.  Flats unfortunately and not a house with a garden which is really what I want, but it will be good to be able to have my own place at last – somewhere I can call home.  It crossed my mind the other day that I have never had a place which I could call my own.  I lived with my parents, shared houses in many different places with many different people when younger and when I got married I moved into my husband’s flat – it was very much his and my husband never wanted to move or sell so we could get a place we could call ours (although now on hindsight it could have been very much part of his need to control everything), and now I rent a house (with various housemates now and again) which has had many conditions attached to it that I couldn’t just close the door and call it my sanctuary or my home.  Although going into the council system is not ideal, and a flat definitely isn’t ideal, it will be a place I can call my own and then I can close the door and call it home - a new start a new beginning - as well as being cheaper and more affordable where I am at the moment.  And having somewhere more affordable to live is part of it all too, because as soon as I move, and have the necessary things I need around me, I have to decide how to tackle my debts (which are frighteningly mounting up) some of which are due to having cancer and having a reduced working salary over quite a long period of time.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining and have had help in this area, but life is not easy when you have cancer, a single mother and are broke as well!

Otherwise, health wise I feel a whole lot better than I was.  My hair is growing back although lots of grey tinged with dark hair – can’t wait until there is enough hair so I can colour it; and I have eyelashes and eyebrows again.  Soon I will be able to put on eyeliner and mascara again and will feel it actually makes a difference.  Still waiting for my finger nails to grow and I am not sure if the tingling at the end of my fingers will ever go away completely, still have a low appetite and taste buds not completely back as they were, don’t dare look at my feet but then I can’t reach them anyway - only time will tell on my recovery from cancer treatment.  And that is the problem I still feel that I am in limbo, life on hold waiting for a time to feel myself again – but not actually knowing what myself actually is.  I do think I am a little chemo brained (great article shared by BeyondtheBoobieTrap (on Twitter and Facebook)) as I still find it hard to concentrate on things like reading a book, doing crosswords and word games which I used to love to do, or just going through my paperwork and catching up with people. Sometimes I find I am slipping down that slope into feeling down and sorry for myself and thus into depression which is a place I don’t want to find myself in again – been there, done that and got the tea-shirt!  I think I have too much time on my own, too much thinking time!!  I used to be desperate for time on my own just to think - so you do sometimes have to be careful for what you wish for!
A kind soul sent me a video by Louisa Hay and I have been saying positive affirmations to myself ever since then – “I am a beautiful, kind and great person and deserve love and respect”.   I do know this is true so why do I doubt it sometimes?

I have had quite a few visits from people who have kept my spirits up and bless them for coming over – especially the Source folk.
With the onset of spring coming, I definitely do sense the time for new growth, beginnings, forgiveness and sunshine and thus being more positive and just want to be able to get out doors, breathe in the freshness of spring, smile at others and pass the hope of emerging from wintertime on!

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized”. Wayne Dyer

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present”. Lao Tzu

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”  Maya Angelou

“He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home”. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” M. Scott Peck

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

 “When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone.” George O'Neil

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”  Oscar Wilde,

"10% of life is what happens to you 90% is how you respond to it."

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Good to feel more positive again!

I would like to say that my time at home with my leg in plaster has been nice and relaxing, but really it has been quite busy and the days have run away with themselves – the routine is get up, washed and dressed, breakfast and take painkillers – doesn’t sound very much in itself but on one foot it takes much longer!  Aim is to be up and dressed by 10am.  By the time I have prepared myself for my hospital transport to arrive to take me to radiotherapy (including making and taking lunch with me), and answering the phone that’s half my day over.  The rest of the afternoon is spent in the waiting room at radiotherapy in front of their TV and near to the coffee machine (I have my own space!)  – I have my 10 minute appointment and then it is back to waiting again for pick up by hospital transport usually around 4pm.  By the time I get home I am tired and most of the tiredness is because of waiting around and having to sit in one place while doing it – I am so pleased I managed to get a smart phone before Christmas because at least I can go on Facebook, Twitter, emails and play games instead of being forced to watch the Alan Titmarsh show every week afternoon! I am getting around a bit more, and can sweep up (a bit), and do the washing up and clean down the sides – haven’t attempted a bath yet though.  I must say though I couldn’t do without my housemate and son because they pick up the slack with more complicated housework and tasks then I can currently manage.

February is marching along and soon, very soon, my cancer treatment is going to end. In fact on Tuesday next week – although I suppose I can’t really say it’s finished until the five years up!  After being a little fearful of radiotherapy I have been pleasantly surprised and yes compared to chemo it is a “piece of cake”!  That is not to say, however, I haven’t had any reactions  - I now have a “heat” rash across the affected area and I do get a little tired but to be fair I am not sure whether that is the radiotherapy or the having my leg in plaster!  The rash is not itchy but apparently I need to be prepared for it over the next ten days or so.  I know people who have had no reactions at all to radiotherapy and others who have had much worse so keeping fingers crossed that this is all I am going to get.
The next steps after radiotherapy is to carry on taking my pills, see the consultant in about four to six weeks, a further follow up three months later, then six months where a mammogram will probably be done again, and then a scan.  Have been told that they only do a scan before the year is up if they have concerns – it’s more harmful to do scans then not.   So once out of plaster I am hoping I will have new home, a new start and a plan in place for a healthier lifestyle.  Life seems more hopeful and positive again but I do expect to still have a roller-coaster of emotions as I move from a breast cancer fighter to a breast cancer survivor and as I know now I am prone to depression have to be careful not to allow the journey I have gone through to go down that path again.

What is good is that I am actually feeling so much better in myself – my mind feels less foggy, my energy levels are much higher, people say my skin looks good, my hair is growing (new nickname for me is “chickpea”) and my eyelashes are coming back.   I just feel so much happier in myself too – perhaps it’s also because I can eat well again (although my appetite is still not back to normal)!  Apparently it takes a good year for all the chemo and its poisons to leave your body but the fear of reoccurrence will always be with me.
The only real concern I do have is my son.  He has grown up so much in the last months it’s amazing to see, but he is angry and sometimes you can feel the tension within him.  In all other respects he is a normal young teenager going through all the normal teenager angst and growing pains but the stresses he has gone through over the past years are taking their toll and looking after me even more now has caused its own worries and frustrations for him.  Last week I had a visitor from the Young Carers Association and Daniel has signed up for this.  I am hoping that he will meet other young teenagers in the same kind of situation as him, outside of his school friends who will have a little more understanding of what he is going through and if he needs/wants to, to speak to people who are trained to work with children like him .  He will have the opportunity to go out on trips to adventure parks, up to London and to take part in workshops over the holidays. It’s up to him how much or how little he wants to be involved but it really good for me to know that he has some treats to look forward to which I cannot provide for him..  They will even help me with anything that has an impact on my son – so if we do have to move soon they can get people in to help us pack so my son doesn’t have to do it all!  I wish I had looked into this sooner …..

Since my last personal blog: A Step Backwards or Forward, which I must admit was not as positive as most of my blogs, and expressed some self-pity (not necessary a bad thing to release your negative emotions) I have had a lot more contact with friends and colleagues and as from Wednesday next week as I am going to be housebound for at least another three weeks without any daily trips to hospital to look forward to, some of them are coming to visit for catch ups.  My Aunt and her friend from Gravesend came to visit on Friday (bringing with them a dish which is Sunday lunch today!) and it lifted my spirits so much and also gave my son a chance to air some of concerns to a family member which I know he and I found very helpful.  I like to laugh, I like to gossip, I like to find out what other people are doing and these moments are very precious and appreciated.
In three weeks my plaster should come off and I will get a Moonboot (cool!) , then maybe I will be more mobile again and can then think about going back to work as well.  It’s just so good to feel positive again!

 The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.     E E Cummings
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Howard Thurmon

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." ~Voltaire
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Is there a cancer personality?

While doing some recent research for my blog on adreline, stress and my breast cancer I came across the theory of “the cancer personality”. I thought I would like to share this debate with my bloggers and colleagues and get some other views.

Danzae Pace ~ Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it but if you don't dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life ~

Maureen Killoran ~ Stress is not what happens to us. It's our response TO what happens. And RESPONSE is something we can choose ~
Author Unknown ~ Stress is like an iceberg. We can see one-eighth of it above, but what about what’s below ~
What do I think? I don’t really know what to think, and as said in one of my recent blogs, many professionals and people with cancer (as I do with my breast cancer) do think there is a correlation between stress and cancer but as yet is not proven.  To actually have a cancer personality though is a totally different thing altogether and lower down in this article it explains what some of those personalities are.  It seems from the study that it is how we deal with life stresses that matters the most and I have some sympathy with view.  I also recognise a lot of what has been said could include my own personality in the equation and I wonder if you do also.

I also do see the contrary argument that the belief in a "cancer personality" or that personality influences cancer development can serve to stigmatize those with cancer and add to their psychological burden. Are happy, well-adjusted people less likely to get cancer? Obviously not and there are also many other factors also have to be taken into account.
It is an interesting debate and Dr Ryke-Geerd Hamer is a very highly controversial character and many of his theories have been dismissed.  Below the article I attach just some of the differing views on the Internet.

“One of the most recent studies (1981) on psychosomatic cancer therapy comes from Germany. Over the past ten years, medical doctor / surgeon Ryke-Geerd Hamer has examined 20,000 cancer patients with all types of cancer. Dr. Hamer wondered why cancer never seems to systematically spread directly from one organ to the surrounding tissue. For example, he never found cancer of the cervix AND cancer of the uterus in the same woman. He also noticed that all his cancer patients seemed to have something in common: there had been some kind of psycho emotional conflict prior to the onset of their disease - usually a few years before - a conflict that had never been fully resolved.
X-rays taken of the brain by cancer Dr. Hamer showed in all cases a 'dark shadow' somewhere in the brain. These dark spots would be in exactly the same place in the brain for the same types of cancer. There was also a 100% correlation between the dark spot in the brain, the location of the cancer in the body and the specific type of unresolved conflict. On the basis of these findings, Dr. Hamer suggests that when we are in a stressful conflict that is not resolved, the emotional reflex center in the brain which corresponds to the experienced emotion (e.g: anger, frustration, grief) will slowly break down. Each of these emotion centers are connected to a specific organ. When a center breaks down, it will start sending wrong information to the organ it controls, resulting in the formation of deformed cells in the tissues: cancer cells. He also suggests that metastasis is not the SAME cancer spreading. It is the result of new conflicts that may well be brought on by the very stress of having cancer or of invasive and painful or nauseating therapies.

Dr Hamer started including psychotherapy as an important part of the healing process and found that when the specific conflict was resolved, the cancer immediately stopped growing at a cellular level. The dark spot in the brain started to disappear. X-rays of the brain now showed a healing edema around the damaged emotional center as the brain tissue began to repair the afflicted point. There was once again normal communication between brain and body. A similar healing edema could also be seen around the now inactive cancer tissue. Eventually, the cancer would become encapsulated, discharged or dealt with by the natural action of the body. Diseased tissue would disappear and normal tissue would then again appear.
According to cancer Dr Hamer the real cause of cancer and other diseases is an unexpected traumatic shock for which we are emotionally unprepared. The following list shows some of the relationships between conflict emotions and target organs for cancer.

Adrenal Cortex: Wrong Direction. Gone Astray, Bladder: Ugly Conflict. Dirty Tricks, Bone: Lack of Self-Worth. Inferiority Feeling, Brain: Tumor Stubborness. Refusing to Change Old Patterns. Mental Frustration, Breast (Milk Gland): Involving Care or Disharmony, Breast (Milk Duct): Separation Conflict, Breast (Left): Conflict Concerning Child, Home, or Mother. Breast (Right): Conflict with Partner or Others, Bronchioles: Territorial Conflict, Cervix: Severe Frustration, Colon: Ugly Indigestible Conflict, Esophagus: Cannot Have it or Swallow it, Gall Bladder: Rivalry Conflict,
Heart: Perpetual Conflict, Intestines: Indigestible Chunk of Anger, Kidneys: Not Wanting to Live. Water or Fluid Conflict, Larynx: Conflict of Fear and Fright, Liver: Fear of Starvation ,
Lungs: Fear of Dying or Suffocation, including Fear for Someone Else, Lymph Glands: Loss of Self-Worth associated with the Location, Melanoma: Feeling Dirty, Soiled, Defiled, Middle Ear: Not being able to get some Vital Information. Mouth: Cannot Chew It or Hold It, Pancreas: Anxiety-Anger Conflict with Family Members. Inheritence, Prostate: Ugly Conflict with Sexual Connections or Connotations, Rectum: Fear of Being Useless, Skin: Loss of Integrity, Spleen: Shock of Being Physically or Emotionally Wounded, Stomach: Indigestible Anger. Swallowed Too Much,
Testes and Ovaries: Loss Conflict, Thyroid: Feeling Powerless, Tumor (in location): Nursing old Hurts and Shocks. Building Remorse, Uterus: Sexual Conflict


5 stages of cancer of how tumors are formed within the body:

Phase 1 - Inescapable Shock / Emotional Trauma
This initial phase occurs approximately 2 years prior to the cancer diagnosis. This is where the individual experiences an "inescapable shock", affecting deep sleep and the production of melatonin within the body. Melatonin is necessary for inhibiting cancer cell growth and is the primary hormone responsible for regulating the immune system. During this phase a part of the emotional reflex centre in the brain slowly breaks down, creating a dark spot on the brain (viewed by X-ray). Each part of the emotional reflex centre controls and is connected to an organ or part of the body, and when the emotion centre begins to break down, so too does the organ or body part it is connected to.

Phase 2 - Stress Suppresses The Immune System
During this second phase, the immune system is suppressed by elevated stress hormone cortisol levels. The immune system also receives subconscious messages from the affected emotion centre of the brain to slow down, and to even stop working altogether. An individual experiencing "inescapable shock" often feels like they have died "emotionally" on some level, and the immune system receives these messages as a subliminal signal or command to give up the fight to live also. This causes somatids to react. Somatids are tiny living organisms (necessary for life) that live in our blood. Different types of somatids are specific to and inhabit different organs of the body. In a healthy organism, where the immune system is functioning properly, these somatids are limited to 3 stages in their life cycle - somatid, spore, double spore. When the immune system is impaired or suppressed, somatids pleomorphise (or change) into a further 13 stages (16 altogether).These further 13 stages are pathogenic (harmful) to the body and include viral, bacterial, and yeast-like fungus forms.

Phase 3 - Stress Causes Cell Glucose Levels to Rise
Over time, elevated stress hormone levels cause adrenaline levels to be depleted within the body, causing glucose (sugar) levels to rise within normal cells. The main purpose of adrenaline is to remove and convert glucose from cells for energy for the body, just as it is the main purpose of insulin to transport glucose (sugar) into cells. When the adrenaline reserves are depleted, glucose (sugar) levels increase sharply within cells - leaving little room for oxygen. This is why so many cancer patients are weak and lethargic, because they have no adrenaline left (or very little) to convert the glucose in their cells into energy for the body and their cells subsequently have very little room left to accept oxygen from passing blood.

Phase 4 - Fungus Enter Cells to Feed on Glucose
During this fourth phase, pathogenic microbes (virus-bacteria-fungus) that have pleomorphised and established themselves in a weakened part of the body, enter normal cells to feed on high glucose levels. This fermentation of glucose causes "mycotoxins" to be released (a highly acidic waste product), which 1) breaks the Krebs Cycle of the cell (a process that uses oxygen as part of cellular respiration), and 2) breaks the Electron Transport Chain of the cell, meaning the number of ATP molecules drops dramatically. (ATP molecules provide energy to the cell.) This lack of oxygen and cell energy means normal cells mutate during the dividing process - creating new rogue cancer cells. The body's tissue and cells become highly acidic (low pH) due to the waste by-products caused by these viral-bacterial-yeast-like fungus. Over-acidification of the body also occurs due to fermentation of excess stress hormones in the body, poor diet (low pH value foods), and lack of exercise. Viruses, bacteria, yeast, mould, fungus, candida and cancer cells thrive in a low pH acidic environment.

Phase 5 - Fungus and Cancer Form Symbiotic Relationship
During this fifth phase viral-bacterial-yeast-like fungus form a symbiotic relationship with newly created cancer/tumor cells. Yeast-like fungus is symbiotic in nature and feeds on the high levels of glucose to use for energy for reproduction of new somatids. The yeast-like fungus provides a natural fermentation process and ferments the glucose within the cancer/tumor cell, providing energy and a natural growth factor in return. The yeast-like fungus uses the cancer/tumor cells as a host or house for their rich reserves of glucose, and stimulates these cancer/tumor cells to propagate more houses. The result is a mass of tumor cells, or tumor sites. Yeast-like fungus prevent cancer / tumor cells reverting back into normal healthy cells (re-establishing their Krebs Cycle), as they continue to cause "mycotoxins" to be released (a highly acidic waste product), meaning cancer / tumor cells in a sense are held hostage to the yeast-like fungus that inhabit them.

Phase 6 - Stress Stimulates Tumor Cell Growth / Metastases
During this final phase elevated stress hormone norepinephrine and epinephine levels, stimulate tumor cells to produce three (3) compounds: MMP-2 and MMP-9 (both martix metalloproteinases) and the growth compound VEGF (Vascular Endothelial Growth Factor). Tumor cells make receptors for these stress hormones on their surface, to stimulate these three compounds. MMP-2 and MMP-9 breakdown the scaffolding of tumor cell walls making it easier for them to travel to other parts of the body, a process known as metastasis. VEGF causes blood vessels to grow in new tumor cells, so that they can grow and spread more rapidly. News of cancer at this stage, often becomes a further "inescapable shock" and the cycle begins again with secondary tumor sites forming in different parts or organs of the body.

Trapped or repressed negative feelings are harmful to the body and increase a person's level of the stress hormone Cortisol - a hormone which has been found in many studies around the world to directly suppress immune system functioning. When the immune system is not functioning properly, cancer cells, that exist in every human being, can multiply and form tumor sites.
Most importantly high stress levels deplete adrenaline reserves that when low, create the perfect cancer environment.

Dr Hamer started including psychotherapy as an important part of the healing process and found that when the specific conflict was resolved, the cancer immediately stopped growing at a cellular level. Dr Hamer believes that cancer people are unable to share their thoughts, emotions, fears and joys with other people. He calls this "psycho-emotional isolation". These people tend to hide away sadness and grief behind a brave face, appear ‘nice’ and avoid open conflict. Some are not even aware of their emotions, and are therefore not only isolated from other people, but also from themselves.           
Of course a little stress can do us good—it pushes us to compete and innovate. But chronic stress can increase the risk of diseases such as depression, heart disease and even cancer. .   

The following are typical personality traits found in those with cancer:
  • Being highly conscientious, caring, dutiful, responsible, hard-working, and usually of above average intelligence.
  • Exhibits a strong tendency toward carrying other people's burdens and toward taking on extra obligations, and often "worrying for others."
  • Having a deep-seated need to make others happy. Being a "people pleaser" with a great need for approval.
  • Often lacking closeness with one or both parents, which sometimes, later in life, results in lack of closeness with spouse or others who would normally be close.
  • Harbours long-suppressed toxic emotions, such as anger, resentment and/or hostility. The cancer-susceptible individual typically internalizes such emotions and has great difficulty expressing them.
  • Reacts adversely to stress, and often becomes unable to cope adequately with such stress. Usually experiences an especially damaging event about 2 years before the onset of detectable cancer. The patient is not able to cope with this traumatic event or series of events, which comes as a "last straw" on top of years of suppressed reactions to stress.
  • Has an inability to resolve deep-seated emotional problems and conflicts, usually beginning in childhood, often even being unaware of their presence.
How one reacts to stress appears to be a major factor in the larger number of contributing causes of cancer. Most cancer patients have experienced a highly stressful event, usually about 2 years prior to the onset of detectable disease. This traumatic event is often beyond the patient's control, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a business, job, home, or some other major disaster. The typical cancer personality has lost the ability to cope with these extreme events, because his/her coping mechanism lies in his/her ability to control the environment. When this control is lost, the patient has no other way to cope.

Major stress causes suppression of the immune system, and does so more overwhelmingly in the cancer-susceptible individual than in others. Thus personal tragedies and excessive levels of stress appear to combine with the underlying personality described above to bring on the immune deficiency which allows cancer to thrive.
Those susceptible to cancer, are highly vulnerable to life's stresses and trauma, and feel unable to cope when life throws a curve-ball their way. These people are perfectionists and live in fear of conflict, stress, trauma and loss and are deeply frightened of negative events "happening" to them. And when faced with a highly stressful or traumatic event they have not anticipated, which inevitably happens during their life, react adversely and are unable to cope.

They experience inescapable shock and remain deeply affected by the experience. They have difficulty in expressing their inner grief, their inner pain, their inner anger or resentment, and genuinely feel there is no way out of the pain they are feeling inside. And because their mind cannot fathom what has happened, and remains in a state of disbelief or denial, these inner painful feelings are continually perpetuated, shooting up stress levels, lowering melatonin and adrenaline levels, causing a slow breakdown of the emotional reflex centre in the brain, and creating the beginning of cancer progression in the body.
When faced with a major trauma, the cancer personality feels trapped and unable to escape from the memory of the traumatic experience and the painful feelings of the experience. Stress hormone cortisol levels skyrocket and remain at high levels, directly suppressing the immune system, whose job it is to destroy cancer cells that exist in every human being. High stress levels generally means a person cannot sleep well, and cannot produce enough Melatonin during deep sleep. Melatonin is responsible for inhibiting cancer cell growth. This means cancer cells are now free to multiply. Adrenaline levels also skyrocket initially, but are then drained and depleted over time. This is especially bad news for the cancer personality.”

http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/emotions-and-cancer-healing.html.html

http://cincovidas.com/is-your-personality-the-%E2%80%9Ccancer-personality%E2%80%9D/

http://hypnosisforcancer.net/The%20German%20New%20Medicine-%20Dr%20Ryke%20Geerd%20Hamer.html

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Meandbob and exericise - Introducing guest blogger David Haas

Physical Fitness Can Help Fight Cancer

Just before my accident (and my energy levels picking up) I was looking into getting back into some kind of exercise regime again – taking it slowly of course!  Note that I did a lot, but I did cycle a bit and walk everywhere. Since my breast and lymph gland ops I have been doing my arm exercises, walks when I can but not much more – however after reading David Haas’ article (guest blog spot below) I wish I had done more. 

David is a cancer patient advocate for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance and writes and researches for the betterment of cancer patients around the United States – his website can be accessed at http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/david/
  
"Every stage of cancer is stressful, from the initial diagnosis to recovering from radiation treatments. Even people who are cancer-free fear that they will have to battle cancer again at some point in the future. Fortunately, there can be some relief from the overwhelming burden of battling cancer. Exercise can help cancer patients in a variety of ways at almost every stage of the disease.

Cancer patients all have the same priority: being free of their cancer and preventing it from returning. Not only can exercise and leading a healthy lifestyle prevent you from getting cancer in the first place, but it can help you heal and stop cancer from returning as well. According to, physical activity gives people a greater chance of survival following a diagnosis of cancer. Plus, it reduces the risk of a return.

Regardless of the type of cancer and treatment you’re facing, from chemotherapy to mesothelioma treatment, being overweight gives people a shortened survival period as well as a greater risk for recurrence. Maintaining a high level of fitness, developing muscle, preventing weight gain and having a lean body mass are all helpful in your quest for a cancer-free life. Cancer isn’t the only problem that exercise wards off, either. Physical activity is known to lower the risk of diabetes and heart disease, too.

On top of the physical benefits of exercise, there are several psychological benefits that help cancer patients and survivors as well. Depression is often a side effect of dealing with cancer. Even people who have beat cancer live with the anxiety of it returning. Exercise can help monitor and improve your mood. Working out also increases self confidence, which is often needed after feeling sick for a long period of time. Fatigue, a common side effect of radiation treatments, can be reduced with exercise.

After a cancer diagnosis, it’s recommended to begin exercising as soon as you possibly can. People tend to slow down after finding out that they have cancer, due to feeling sick and depressed. The stress can make an otherwise active person become sedentary. The last thing you may think to do when you’re feeling exhausted is work out, but in the long run, it will actually give you more energy.

A well-rounded workout regime is the best thing for cancer patients and survivors. Flexibility exercises, like stretching and yoga, are the easiest type of physical activity. If you don’t feel up to running and lifting weights yet, then stretching is a good substitute. Try to get in aerobic activity, like waking or swimming, as well as resistance training. Together, these three types of exercises will keep you focused, calm, lean and strong."



Please do access the mesothelioma website where you can also find many interesting articles on fighting cancer http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/david/

Right now you may not think I am getting much exercise, but I assure you hopping one foot all day pumps my heart up and is at least strengthening one leg and improving my balance, also doing knee exercises in my bad leg, putting all my weight on crutches through my arms is making them stronger, and even keeping in an unusual shape for 10 minutes while undergoing radiotherapy is all helping me to keep fit!  It has been suggested I could do push-ups from my waist but not at all confident doing that ……

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it.”  ~Plato

“Exercise and application produce order in our affairs, health of body, cheerfulness of mind, and these make us precious to our friends.” -   Thomas Jefferson

Sunday, 12 February 2012

A step backwards or moving forward?

More than most I know that life does have the tendency to force you sometimes not to take anything for granted and go into directions that you don’t really want to go in and boy was I reminded of this recently!

Having come out of chemo and to be honest still recovering especially with my blood sugars going up and down, feeling tired, apparently having low blood pressure, hard skin on feet and anticipating radiotherapy later that week, on coming down the stairs after a nap I slipped on the fifth step from the bottom and managed to break and dislocate my ankle at the same time!  I couldn’t believe it, of all the unexpected things to happen?  In A&E in great pain, an op the next day and then the next eight days in hospital and an anticipated eight weeks in plaster!  Not only could I not believe it, nor could anyone else – just don’t say life couldn’t get any worse because it did!
The day after my op something happened that was deeply upsetting and disappointing and from emotions that had been held back in check, I was so frustrated and angry, that they all came boiling out at once. I am not going to mention the actual incident here on my blog as it is still now raw and all too real, but suffice to say that those who I thought loved me, let me down in a such a way that it affected not only myself but particularly my son at a moment when we were both impotent and completely vulnerable to do anything about it.  You should know that I am completely fed up at being vulnerable especially at a time I thought I was moving forward.  My son lashed out unfortunately - on Facebook of all things which just made things worse  and although I don’t condone what he wrote in any way at all – I understood his pain, his anger and the unfairness of what had been done. With just some good communication and understanding the situation could have been avoided but unfortunately I do have some people in my life who feel that what they do and think is always right, don’t need to consult and should not be questioned and disagreed with, and if you do you are being ungrateful and judged harshly with very little understanding. My life motto is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and this act although which may have been seen to come from the heart certainly did not fall within this category.

I question now where has the love, the support and the friendship I once thought I had has gone being eroded away while fighting depression and then cancer and just trying to keep my own mind, body and soul together and carving out a life for myself and my son the best way I can.  I am not ungrateful, never have been, of any support I have had and those who know me or read my blog should realise that, but I do want to know what I have done that has been so wrong that has caused so many problems. Some of it I know is this blog in the first place, but this blog has been a lifeline to me and a story I have chosen to share and feel I should be respected for it rather than despised for it - it has not been directed at any one person, it has not been dishonest and represents how things have been and how they are with which I hope mainly with a positive slant.
Or is it that I put on such a strong face on to the world in my cancer fight that no-one thought I needed them and that I was not that sick or that weary and not suffering much.  Is it that no-one else thought they could say they were sick while I was sick with cancer so avoided me? Is it that I have become a much stronger person less vulnerable, less pliable more able to put my own thoughts and views forward and dared to disagree and question with what I was being asked to do, think and feel.  Was it only coincidence particular stresses seem to come up within the five days after chemo sessions when I was at my most vulnerable, most tired, and most sick?  These are questions that are never going to be answered but all I have ever wanted through this cancer journey is a little support without interfering too much in other’s lives and their own stresses – a visit here now and again at my worse times to lift my spirits, a kind message or a catch up phone call to keep me positive and laughing and to show they care.  I am grateful to everyone (friends and family and especially my dad who calls me once or twice every day and who is not that well himself and lives a fair distance from me) who did this because it has kept me going through my hardest times.

OK  OK – it’s out of my system now!  I am back to my old positive self, laughing again at a situation I cannot change not letting it stress me out and moving forward once again albeit with a plaster on my leg!  I am not stuck at home without friends and support – a kind friend cooked freezer meals for me and cupcakes, I have someone to come round and play scrabble with me and other word games which I love to do, my lodger has been completely wonderful despite the personality change around 9pm each night, colleagues and friends are visiting or have visits lined up in the future, calling and sending messages.  I have a daily trip each afternoon for radiotherapy each week day being picked up by hospital ambulance and these people really do keep me laughing.  I make sure I at least do one productive thing a day even if it’s only contacting my doctor to change my medication or on-line shopping (which is a challenge in its self) and I am hopping well around the house being able to feed myself and make a cup of tea! Even my son is doing his bit although he is fed up, stressed as well as coping with teenager hormones – he even comes to hug me more often!
The Sunday before I came out of hospital I cried all day with the frustration of absolutely everything - thinking I had gone a step backward and all those negative feelings just came pouring out of me – I just could not stop the tears.  I hadn’t cried for a long time and realised later that I had held them back far too long.  Now I am at home amongst the chaos of daily life again I realise that in fact that I have actually moved forward not backwards at all.

"Illness or disability takes away a part of your life, but in doing so, it gives you the opportunity to choose the life you will lead, as opposed to living the one you've simply accumulated over the years." - Dr. Arthur Frank

 “Unexpected change is the ultimate catalyst for life and it’s only after some time has passed after it has occurred that you realize you’ve been truly blessed for it. A keen sense of humour helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable” - Billy Graham 

It makes you stronger than you were before. With more change, comes more experience, comes more knowledge, and comes more opportunities, which you never would’ve been exposed to in the first place.”