Monday, 1 August 2011

Bob and I going out

Over this last week I have started to socialise more, probably because my next op is due and I know I won't want to go out in this way for a while.  I had my hair cut, short and spikey and dyed it another colour. ( I want to feel good again but also preparing myself for chemo).  Some friends came from London at the weekend, took me to lunch, walked around the park and then cooked me dinner.  Today I was taken to lunch by some work colleagues, and attended a pub quiz. There were the inevitable questions about Bob - as Bob is never far from mine and others thoughts, but there was also light heartedness and laughter and again I wondered at the kindness of the people around me. Tomorrow I meet a lady I met in hospital going through what I am for coffee.  I ignore any looks I get - but on the whole I don't notice anything - it seems to me I am the one who only really notices the shape of my body - although others may only be being polite - it comes to the the question of whether I will in the future have a reconstruction or not - but my thinking is to get rid of Bob first and then may opt for this in the future.  I know others feel very differently about this, but as I don't have a partner I am not so attached to my breasts and do not feel that I am not a real woman without one.  I am dreading my next op this week as I am not quite recovered from my first yet and the inevitability that I will be coming home with drains.  My son and dog will be visiting friends and family so I will be alone in the house at times as I recover.  Everying one is so busy during the summer holidays and I feel like I am stuck in limbo.   I need to make decisions soon on what I should be doing through my chemo, go back to work and work through it, should my son not stay at home, should the dog come back - how I will cope when I go on to government supported sick pay.  Some of my friends and family try and take these worries from me and make decisions on my behalf - but I wish they would ask me first as I do have my own thoughts and needs that they necessarily do not think about.  Oh and its all getting a little political as well as they can do in families.  I wish sometimes I did have a partner who could support me and show me the love I need and sometimes crave - but I do not regret leaving the partner I had - or becoming a single mum - one little bit.  Having this and that relationship would have been a living hell!  Oh well along to my next hurdle the lymph glands on my left side come out on Thursday and I am dreading it but it is just one more step to get through on the road to getting rid of Bob.

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