Ok I have skipped a few things!

Because I started this blog late, I have missed a few things out like the mascetamy op itself and the mini self help group we had in our ward.  I have also made a new friend who is going through the same thing as I am which is comforting.  I missed out  the feelings I had explaining to my son that I had cancer and step by step as I go through the process I update him.  I stay positive and I know he worries - the relief he showed was bigger than mine when I got the all clear that the cancer had not yet spread beyond the lymph glands .  My son stayed with my cousin around the corner when I had the first op and would come and see me in the mornings to pick up his bike for school and then after school.  This happened for about two weeks and then slowly he came back to stay - its been me and my son against the world for a long time now, protecting him against the anger of his dad, our subsequent move, divorce and realisation that we could breathe again,  Amazingly my son is very resilient and I am so so proud of him.  He is being sent away again for my next op but much further away for about a week and a half, our dog has also gone to visit friends so I am not looking forward to being completely alone.  Alone is the time that I feel less hopeful, less positive - in others I can put on a brave face but alone I tend to wallow and feel sorry for myself.  The one thing that is really annoying me is that decisions are being made for me without any consultation or asking what I think - I am just suppose to let others have control.  Communication has never been a strong point in my family!!  More seriously, I got wind that there was some concern over my son and that I was not looking after him properly - now this really upset me and I need to address it.  My son to me is amazing, clever, cheeky and incrediably annoying all in one.  He has had to take on more responsbility in helping around the house etc, but I try to let him still have the time to do the things that he likes to do.  Emotionally I think I have been very careful with him which is probably not necessarily the right thing to do - I do love him dearly.  Bob has made it clear to me that I hav e got to look after my self more so I can look after my son , but also that I must think of other things as well - making a will, guardianship, financial secuirty, a place for us to live so we can make our own decisions - there is so much to think and worry about and basically I am backing off and hiding from dealing with these things - but soon I must!