Writing a blog which others read you have to be careful how you phrase things because it is easy to write down your feelings at a particular time in a moment when you are feeling unhappy, insecure and with Bob my emotions change day by day - one minute all is ok with the world, another is a day of insecurity with thoughts jumping to the future and then thinking have I actually got a future - I know its natural to swing from negative to positive thoughs in an instant. I am also incredibly sensitive and also read into things that are not as they seem, although a sixth sense shouldn't always be ignored. The last week has been a little surreal - I have been a lot more mobile coming out of the lymph gland op than I thought I would be, being able to do more than I thought I would which is a good thing. After being so quiet with my son away, he is now back causing all kinds of mayhem but enabling me to focus on something other than Bob, and after causing an embarassing flea infestation the dog is back as well making me smile with his antics. New rule for the dog he is no longer allowed upstairs and we have acquired a babygate and he has been regulated to the dining room and kitchen while we are out and over night - first time last night and he whined for a long time - my heart went out but I know this is all to everyone's good - no more fleas in my bed! Another of my friends came up from London with her two children and we have a good but exhausting day which knocked me out for the next day - ok I am being told to slow down a bit.
The news was full of the London riots last week, and the weekend papers have been full of MPs again fiddling expenses and cival servants abusing credit cards. I wonder which ones are more the looters than the others. It made me think what would I do if my son had been involved and I would like to think I would definately report him to the police. I am as outraged as anyone and I have been researching the reasons behind the riots. They call this the consumer riots - there are so many things I would like to have, so many things my son asks me to get him, and I cannot because there is no spare money around but would I loot to get what I wanted - of course not because that is pure greed - and its the disregard to other people and not care what happens to them that makes me so sad.
The one thing having Bob is knowing who is there for me, and all my family have been wonderful in so many ways. Its hard to know where even to begin to know how to say thank you. Flowers is one way, making a thank you card is another, taking someone out for a coffee is another, and sayijng this in my blog is another one. For my cousin who takes me to every hospital appointment and shares each emotional step on my journey with Bob, and has cried, laughed and supported with me each and every day not only during this period by over many many years and who I could not do without. For another cousin who comes and sees me every Tuesday with such a calming pressence. To my aunts who are always there to listen to meand ask a quick favour of. To my dad who rings me up every day even just to say I am beating him on on-line scrabble! They say you can't choose your family but you can your friends - well I would choose my family to be friends any day of the week! Thank you to my old work colleagues in London who have made special trips to come and see me and lift my spirits, new work colleagues who have taken me lunch and check in now and again, and to friends and colleagues around the area who have popped, chatted and prayed with me. The doctors and nurses who professional concern have been brilliant. I could go on and I have probably missed out a whole lot of people. If I could bring all these people together and have a party after I am recovered I would.
My next appointment has now come through. I feel I have gone through some rounds in a boxing match but the harder one is now about to happen - I am in limbo again because I am not there yet but I know its right around the corner and a whole new phase of life is about to begin and I am going to still need the support of all my loved ones, family, friends and colleagues to help me pull through this so I do have a future.