Tuesday, 8 May 2012

My cancer Journey

My cancer journey
a poem of discovery
Huddled on the sofa, sad and oh so frail waiting for that knock on the door freedom from her jail
It wasn’t much she asked for just a chat a friendly smile, too weak and so low a phone to dial
Pretending to be happy, pretending to be strong worn out by the struggle to keep up with the on-going song
Finding solace in her words, comfort in her heart others didn’t appreciate the truthfulness setting her apart
Alone in a tangle of messy emotional thoughts, out of sight out of mind fearful of her faults
Quietly slowly strength returned, a break for normality pulled back down to earth again dragged into senility
Body poisoned, toxic, hairless, not knowing who she is, tense and stressed confused that something has been missed.

These were the bad days …..

Huddled on the sofa sheltering from the storm, coming through the darkness to God’s bright welcoming dawn
Kindness and friendship melting bitter cold becoming her own person her soul she hasn’t sold
Holding on to love petty concerns let go, calming passing days not living for tomorrow
No hiding in the shadows, defence against the dusk, no longer looking at herself with fear and disgust
No more waiting for family friends who did not seem to care or stuck within just four walls left to stare
Thankful and grateful despite what she had lost, rich in compassion, patience laughing at the cost
Marvelling at world at each bit of happiness not looking back in anger feeling weak but fearless

These were the better days ….

Huddled on the sofa on her way to recovery raring to go, what to do today going with the flow
Treatment now all over, coming through the worst walking in the sunshine putting herself first
Friendships lost, stronger ones forged, a life no longer on hold, the button come off pause,
Life ups and downs can firmly be faced; peaceful in the world she now knows her place
Life new normality a future she can see, no apologies expectations she is who you see, she is me
Walking tall; achievements of which she’s proud, life small accomplishments shouting in joy out loud
She will not bow my head, be humble and said she did it wrong, because I have come through cancer and the person I am now is strong!

These are the good days

When I ended my traumatic marriage and succumbed to depression, I kept a journal on my computer of poetry, events and short stories but kept these personal for myself.  In the past in I did the same – especially after my mother died of ovarian cancer - as a way of getting through my grief, my anger and mixed up feelings.  May be one day I will blog some of those thoughts and poems but more importantly doing this has helped me get through some of my darkest times. 
When I was diagnosed with cancer and had so much time on my hands my blog also came a way to help me get through a tough and deliberating time but this time I opened up my the hopes, grief, anger and mixed up feelings in my life to my friends, family and others in the hopes that by sharing I wouldn’t just be helping myself come to terms with having cancer, but also may be help others on their own personal cancer journeys and that we all sometimes share common feelings, troubles and thoughts.  I wanted my blog to be truthful, light-hearted in some ways, as positive as possible and informative where necessary and full of quotes that had meaning to me at the time of blogging and hopefully they would also resonate with those reading my blog.  I am proud of what I have achieved through my blog and where it has taken me on my journey and I will never allow others to tell me differently.

Although now just over two months through my recovery and life is looking up, there are still reminders of my treatment – my big toe nail fell off the other day(!) and I still sometimes feel exhausted for no real reason and my emotions are still a bit up and down.  But the plusses outweigh the negatives and I am keeping busy with equipping my new flat, going back to work and trying to get a social life again now I can almost walk properly again after breaking my ankle – it’s time to dance again!

The one thing I haven’t done within my blog is my own poetry – it just wouldn’t come to me -  but the above poem at the beginning of my blog is my first attempt, a work-in-progress if you like, of a poem of my cancer journey – critics please feel free to comment!!!
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”   santiz Dr. Seuss quotes

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”-  Maya Angelou quotes

To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” Anon

Confidence is feeling satisfied with who and what we are” - unknown “
"I certainly don’t regret my experiences because without them, I couldn’t imagine who or where I would be today. Life is an amazing gift to those who have overcome great obstacles, and attitude is everything!” Sasha Azeved

 'Have you ever realized that when .. people say you’ve changed it’s just because you’ve stopped living your life ... their way” - Unknown

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